therapy Archives - Graham Stevenson

Undressing the American Male by Eva Margolies is a book written for women about men who have sexual problems and how they can help them. It is a very readable book because it is written for the laywoman. Eva obviously has years of experience and has worked hard to get into the mind and values of men, which she does with such effect you can see how they so easily opened up to her. I can only hope that women without an immediate need to help a partner would read this book for it’s wisdom on the male perspective.

Sexual problems are extremely isolating for men because of all the complicated implications for their perceived manhood. Those men who do manage to see their treatment through turn out to have gained a more secure manhood through being vulnerable and weak and yet having survived. They often make more considerate partners from the accounts of the women who have helped them through to the other side.

She covers all the major sexual problems, giving many examples not only of clients but also the personality types that often go with the specific problems. She also explains the psychological hurdles that men in particular have to overcome to face up to their issues. I was struck by how similar many of the causal factors were, such as being out of touch with what was going on in the body; a specific orgasm feedback loop linked to specific behaviour; overly aroused by mental images/thoughts that were out of touch with the sexual activity.

The common thread of many exercises was to slow things down, by pausing and breathing, and get back in touch with the body. Many of these exercises would also bring benefits to lovers who hadn’t a ‘problem’ as such, simply by getting them more in touch with themselves and more in tune with each other.

I would recommend this book to promote a knowledgeable and empathic point of view on menkind. For those whose male partners are reluctant to seek help this is a good read as it sets out what can be done to help, as well as the kind of symptoms that indicate the need for professional help.

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Play is good for everyone, seriously. It seems odd to link play with being serious as it is natural for children but can be considered frivolous for adults. This is probably because we take ourselves too seriously. Some research shows that our forebears were much more playful all through their short lives. Play is the cheapest form of entertainment that improvises with whatever is available. I can still remember the images of playing submarines in the school courtyard. Enacted storytelling is an ancient way of bonding and communicating. It is probably in our epigenetic DNA.

We Learn Through Play

Play is a highly effective way of learning. So good that most of the animal kingdom is hardwired to play in infancy. Animals deprived of play show retarded brain development and antisocial behaviour. In one experiment, complete restriction of play even resulted in death as all curiosity to explore and survive was overruled by fear. It is through the stress of social interaction that we learn to regulate our inner environment. We learn to self regulate and balance survival responses and curiosity … so it doesn’t kill the cat.

As children we learn adaptability by exercising our imaginations through playing with friends. When two people play, their right brains become attuned and they enter into an altered state where joy and laughter are spontaneous. In play we develop unconscious signals that communicate trust. In this way it is a powerful social bonding agent that fosters tolerance and encourages group cohesion. People who play together stay together.

We Make Connections Through Play

When you are in the play zone you are open to making new connections between objects and ideas and even people. Possibilities are only limited by personalities and imaginations. It is the playful who invent things, cross boundaries and stay young at heart. It is what has kept us ahead as a species. Amongst our evolutionary cousins, the Bonobos, play is at the core of their society. They play and have sex constantly to bond and reduce stress with the result that they live in a very peaceful society with no fatal violence as far as we know.

Play Can be Healing

Play does have rules that we instinctively create, as all that freedom can be dangerous. By keeping to the rules children learn to be aware and care for others, whilst also discerning which rules can be broken. So it is that through play we prepare ourselves to meet the outside world. We act out adult scripts learnt from our role models. Observing children playing can reveal a lot about their parents and home life. We can also mend broken scripts through play as therapy and undo the effects of bad role models and trauma.

Play is fun and seriously good for everyone. It is doubly beneficial when combined with sex, so let go and let the play begin!

(Edited version of an article that appeared in World Association of Sex Coaches and on LinkedIn)