Dr Graham Stevenson

Intimacy & Relationship Coach in Bristol, London and Online

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November 21, 2020 By Graham Stevenson

Why Does sex go Wrong? (part two)

‘Which bit goes in which hole,’ was all the sex education that a young carpenter told me he had received.  He raised his eyebrows as if to say, ‘What could possibly go wrong?’  Most of our preparations for sexual encounters seem to rely heavily on instinct or inspiration.  I’ve often thought it would be good to have a National Proficiency Test to establish competence before letting anyone loose with such a powerful force.  Not dissimilar to what carpenters have to get before being let loose on your precious house and furniture.

Sex is essentially about connection which is why it has come to have so much meaning.  As social animals we depend on connection and when we put sex into the intimate category it gets loaded with meaning.  On its own it has none.  It is just an act … for pleasure or purpose.  

There are basically three areas of connection:

  • self
  • someone else or others
  • life, the universe, and everything.

Self

It has been said that you can only love another to the extent that you love yourself.   Self-pleasure then seems such a logical and natural way of learning how to love someone else.  Connecting with yourself and knowing how you get turned on is a fabulous gift to offer another person.  In contrast we sometimes offer ourselves up more like a booby-trapped obstacle course that leaves both parties confused and frustrated.

Meeting our own needs first is essential in making healthy connections for another reason. Neediness is a passion killer.  The process of dealing with our neediness is also about learning to be present.  Creating the time-and-place space to listen to our bodies … and being brave enough to be present for both pain and pleasure.

Shame is another big passion killer, along with guilt.  We use a lot of energy hiding our guilt and shame and in making sure that people don’t stray too near it. The biggest aspect of ourselves that gets shamed is our animal side.  Lovingly bringing it into our persona can release us from shedloads of shame.

The scientific name for our animal side is the reptilian brain.  It not only gives us the primal grunt to reproduce but also the spark of attraction, the sexual chemistry that sometimes scandalises our civilised minds.  Untamed it expresses itself in our basest sex acts such as rape and abuse.  Accepted and valued for what it offers it can continue to heat up the connection between two people for a lifetime.  

Getting disconnected from ourselves starts early on in life.  An upbringing where shame is used to control behaviour distorts our idea of ourselves and our bodies.  Having predefined ways of behaving as male or female without room for creative uniqueness can force people to conform to please others.  We end up dancing in other people’s shoes to keep others safe and not for the pleasure of just being ourselves.

Trauma is also about disconnection.  We instinctively dissociate to survive the overload of emotion.  Single events such as separation from mother at birth, abuse, or surgery can be traumatic.  Less obvious are the negative remarks about genitals and sexual behaviour that can incrementally build towards a traumatic tipping point.

We are all trying to find the way home to where we can relax with who we are and simply find our own way of being.  Sex is a way to connect deeply with ourselves, sinking down into our bodies, allowing the unconscious to become conscious.  

Learning to be at home with ourselves is also the safest place to be and builds resilience into all aspects of our lives.

Other(s)

Relationship is the ultimate reality.  Without someone to listen we have no voice … individuality is ultimately a myth.  Co-operation is how our species succeeds, like all our nearest primate relatives, we are social animals.

Our evolutionary path can be traced in our bodies, and specifically in our brains.  The instinctive selfishness is probably more representative of our reptilian brain stem.  Reptiles are born independent whereas mammals need to nurture their young to independence outside the womb.  For this to work there needs to be pair bonding between the parents – the longer the time the stronger the bond. Humans are unique in the animal kingdom with independence taking anything from 15 to 30 years depending on the society.

The potent sexual chemistry of the reptilian brain can’t compete with the endless repetition of life’s chores and the drudgery of providing for all the needs of house and home.  Sexless marriages are becoming more common due to the pressures of our modern lifestyle.  Lovers slowly drift apart and end up as just mates, or more like siblings.

Restoring polarity is the key.  This is often in stereotypical roles where the primal urge to merge awakens in the mind of the body and offends our politically correct egos.  However, once the positive and negative poles have been discovered again then the energy can start to flow and the spark return.  Allowing a space for that erotic charge can reignite a relationship.  Learning to play with it expands our repertoire of erotic connection and our overall creativity.

Our attachment style in childhood will affect our adult relationships due to different experiences of intimacy and love.  Providing the nurture our childhood often didn’t give us allows the natural child in us to emerge.  As both children and adults, we all need the arena of unconditional love in which to open up and change. ‘Are you there for me?’ is the question we have to answer to our inner child as well as our adult partners.  It is then that we feel safe to be naked both physically and emotionally with each other.

Life, the Universe and Everything

Quantum physics is bringing science and spirituality together.  We know the universe is made up of energy in different states of form and flow.  We, ourselves, are body and spirit with a consciousness that encompasses both. We live in an energetically interconnected system where butterflies cause hurricanes across the globe.

Connecting with the energy of life that flows through our body forms is an art.  It takes application to develop the specific awareness of what is already there but not conscious.  Deliberately arousing it through Tantric massage of the physical body allows a consciousness of the ‘energy body’ to be developed.  This exists beyond the limitations of the physical form and blends with the flow of life all around us.  

Through learning to ride this erotic wave we can experience oneness not just with ourselves, nor even just with others but with the whole of creation.  By connecting with the flow of life in ourselves we can connect with its flow everywhere.  The real happy ending is not in a climax so much as an ongoing state of ecstasy that is orgasmic … connecting us to the background state of the conscious universe.

The things that stop this journey have already been mentioned because this path starts with our own self, gets refined and expanded in connecting with others, and then finally takes us into life and the universe as we connect with the One universal consciousness and everything that resonates with energy.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: intimacy, Sex, sexual issues

December 29, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

Manhood: the bare reality

Manhood: The Bare Reality by Laura Dodsworth is an honest record of a hundred men. Each man has had his pelvic area photographed, showing hands and penis, with the accompanying interview transcript. I found myself fascinated, as the owner of a penis, to read the connections that others made with theirs. Too many of these stories are sad and negative. So many young men where left, as they still are, to find their own way into manhood.

At the same time as reading this book I also started reading Dodsworth’s other book about women and their breasts. I was struck by the difference between the experiences in both books. Men seem to live on the intersection of their penises and their daily life. Their sense of power comes over as more immediate than that of women, whose awareness of power often happened through breastfeeding, as a past event.

It was reassuring that many men where motivated to be pleasure givers rather than just takers.  Many were also very aware of patriarchy, often from having experienced it as children.  They were the ones who had deliberately chosen to be husbands and fathers in a more emotionally connected way.

There was no getting away from the sadness and confusion that many men had about their sexuality and manhood. Many men had suffered trying to resolve this intimate connection between manhood and their particular manhood or penis – a term that has no equivalent in the feminine.

It was good to see brave owners sharing their struggles with penises that weren’t ‘the ideal,’ either in the flesh or in their own opinions of themselves.  I’m glad that there were testimonies of ed to having found life beyond the penis in deep and satisfying relationships where the heart connection was primary. However, the general impression I got was how important the sexual connection is to men in particular. Denial is so easily interpreted as rejection of not just an act but the person.

This is a great book for all to read to get into the mind of men and a part of what makes them tick.  I’m sure it would have helped me in my teens to have read this and I think it could help many young men who are struggling with their identity as men today.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

December 19, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

WHAT TO DO?

Regrets can work away inside you like a worm in the heart. They are poisonous and give rise to festering resentment and bitterness. But they are common and we all have regrets. So what’s the remedy and how can you avoid them?

I think regret can be a really positive emotion because it shows that you actually care. But like many positive emotions, when ignored or repressed they become toxic and can be quite destructive.

It seems that you can have regrets for the things you have done, as well as for the things that you have not done. The most potent regrets are those concerning love, maybe because we have such high expectations of our love lives. Not surprisingly then, regret is the most commonly identified emotion after love.

 

The Message in Regret

The message is simple. It is that you haven’t acted as you should have.   Even where regret arises through association it still requires the same response. For instance, this could be the actions of your family, peer group or even your government in other countries. It still requires you to stand up, at the very least, and be counted, either by saying something or taking some action.

 

The Remedy for Regret

The fear I have of regrets is being left with them, unable to remedy them. Most regrets have a window of opportunity when you can do something and the feeling goes. This has been a strong motivator for me … to go and make up after I’ve fallen out with people, to apologise to old girlfriends for not finishing well, to retrace my footsteps and give money or help people I’ve passed by. I have come to value the untroubled sleep that a conscience clear of regret brings.

The emotion that accuses you when your conscience is troubled is the same as regret. It is the voice that speaks from the darkness of our shame when we have violated our own boundaries or values. It is reminding us that we are not being true to ourselves. It may be in incidents in which we did or did not do anything. It can also be through activities or statements in which we are implicated by association.

The only remedy is to hear the message and act on it – stand up and be counted … be true to yourself. All these emotions aim at the same target. They are all moving us to lead lives of integrity, in line with our values and in defense of our boundaries. Our greatest enemy is fear. We count the cost of what others will think, of being exposed and not being understood.

 

How to Live Free of Regret

The first step is simple … be honest. Owning your regret is being honest … and then telling someone about it is liberating. It is a step in being truthful to yourself and open to another.

Being honest also puts your regrets into perspective. It calls them to account … are they genuine regrets or just fantastical ones that evaporate with the telling? Are they realistic or impossible? Are they genuinely yours, aligned with your values, or have they been projected onto you by others?

The second step is to be determined to be more attentive as well as more obedient to that voice. This means being more aware in the moment so that you can hear the slightest whisper of a rising regret. It means moving towards a life of spontaneity and away from a risk-assessed premeditation of everything. It means learning to balance mind and gut and become equally attuned to the sound of both sources of wisdom.

Here’s a simple test to show how attuned you are. Ask yourself honestly … if you eat what is good for you. See what the voice of your inner wisdom replies. Now that you’ve heard it what are you going to do? Obedience nips regret in the bud and will earn you respect – self-respect to start with and then the respect of others too … and you’ll sleep better too.

 

Sexual Regrets

There is much regret associated with our sexuality … many things we wished we hadn’t done or opportunities we regret having missed.  This seems to be a time when sexual regrets are being aired publicly through social media.  It is a window of opportunity to clear the air that we breathe individually and together as a society.  If you feel this is your time you can do this by taking the steps I have outlined above.  If you ask the question of yourself with absolute honesty you will hear the answer that you need to act on.

For those for whom it is too big a question to ask alone or you need a listening ear and help to guide you through that process then call me on 07933 709169 or contact me here.

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized

December 8, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

There are books that you read that are a huge help in understanding complex and complicated subjects.  The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der kolk is one of those.  The author is well known in trauma circles and he brings an enquiring mind to his subject.  The result is a book that draws on over thirty years of experience and extensive research, covering many modalities of how to help people understand and deal with the trauma in their lives.

The reader is lead along the path of enquiry and experience that Bessel himself took in discovering the brain’s involvement in processing trauma.  Example of patients are given that are profoundly sobering and uplifting as you become aware of the catastrophic consequences of trauma.  Bessel’s willingness to learn from his patients also lead him to explore many different avenues of treatment that broadened his knowledge of the effects of trauma and how it can be resolved.  This leaves the reader with a broad sweep of understanding that puts each miracle cure into the big picture.  Each one is approached with understanding fro the inside as a practitioner and objectively assessed.

Prevention is better than cure and Bessel’s epilogue for prioritising mental health for a sustainable future is so right, especially considering how it has yet to be effectively acted on.  The appendix is also really helpful in outlining the criteria for diagnosing a subtle but powerful kind of trauma, Developmental Trauma Disorder.  This brings the book round in full circle to our foundations for dealing with life and all it throws at us, or experience of childhood.

I found this book helpful in its authority, clarity and scope for putting trauma into context and re-inspiring me to learn more how to help those I come across who are troubled by its unresolved effects.  It also reinforced my belief in the need for a better informed education with the aim that each child enjoy mental, just as much as physical, health.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

October 11, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Reclaiming Goddess Sexuality by Linda Savage

Reclaiming Goddess Sexuality  is a book that challenges the norm on the Divine as well as sexuality.  Linda Savage promotes a new way of looking at sexuality to include a spiritual and more broadly sensual dimension ie women’s contribution to sexuality.

She looks back into the past when female sexuality was revered with the vagina (yoni) as the portal into life on earth for humans. Women were more elevated in society due to this and were respected as having a unique connection to the Life Force in the Universe.  They were equal and complimentary players in the spirituality of early societies. She uses fiction to compare the life of a girl in one of these early societies in Crete, to that of a typical girl of today in the west. Although I can see what she was trying to put across and completely empathise with her view of a new society, I found the stories too simplistic.

However I did like the division of life into the three blood ceremonies of First Blood, Birth and Menopause that correspond with the Maiden, Mother and Crone phase of a woman’s life. I was challenged by the idea of life culminating in a healing role to all those who have yet to tread the road thus far.  Could eldership possibly include dispensing a lifetime’s wisdom and sexual healing and instruction to those trying to find their way?

I found that her exercises and explanations for women wanting to reclaim lost desire in patriarchal defined relationships to be very useful. At the outset I doubted that she could dedicate a whole book to the topic but was delighted to find that she held my attention.  She explains in detail the road back for a woman to discover her sexuality and fully enjoy her capacity for pleasure. She convincingly presents the idea of mankind finding healing through women fulfilling their potential for pleasure, which would necessitate them being more accepted and assertive.  The healing of mankind would also effect a healing of the planet.

I think that this book makes a major contribution to the underlying need for women to give themselves permission to discover themselves and their sexual potential and from that point of view is a worthwhile read.

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Filed Under: Book Reviews, Sex, Transformation, Uncategorized

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