Sex Archives - Page 4 of 4 - Graham Stevenson

October 10, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Women Who Love Sex by Gina Ogden

What is it that Women Who Love Sex really like about it? This book tackles this centuries old issue for the benefit of both women and men. You might think the answers are going to come in a male-centred view of sex and at first glance Gina Ogden’s title might give you hope. However, she aims at something totally different as she tries to present a female definition of sex through the experiences of ‘easily orgasmic’ women that expands the subject.

Her interviewees express concepts that she uses to progressively formulate an alternative view of sex – much broader and more holistic than the male performance view and more scientifically challenging to measure.

Relationship is the first important ingredient with really expressively satisfying sex for a woman being put into the context of trust, safety and mutual respect … in contrast to attempting to tuning in the dials in the hope of getting the right combination to open her up!

The male perception is that easily orgasmic women would be looking for sex all the time, like men. But the interviewees reveal a wider definition of sex and being easily orgasmic is just a result of having come to terms with an uncompromisingly sensual way of living. This doesn’t diminish the intellectual and make them slaves to their bodily appetites but allows the sexual life force to pervade much of what they do so that they are creatively fulfilled, physically satisfied and personally empowered and independent.

The common challenge, which many faced, was to love themselves first. To get a good view of themselves they found they needed to cast off the societal or familial definition of how a woman should be and how she should behave. It seems that for many of the women suffering was a common pathway to coming face to face with their true selves. Many of these women had relentlessly held onto a deep-seated need for connection and the nurturance of a loving relationship in defiance to historical precedents and suffered the rejection of peer groups and families. They needed to turn the negative energy of anger and frustration that fueled this rebellion into a positive force to find peace in life and so self-acceptance was the first step.

In contrast to the male view of sex which is so physical and performance based, the wider and softer female view looks at pleasure in all areas, and even displaces orgasm from physical stimulation for some, with ecstasy as a higher plane of consciousness that can be maintained for hours and not just alongside the spasms of ejaculation as in the male orgasm.

These women were marvelous and awe-inspiring by being both vulnerable and at the same time powerful in their own private ways. They had discovered inner peace through self-acceptance and re-orientated their sexual procreative energies into a broadly generative approach to life. This essentially selfless power is what could challenge a world run on selfish principles by egotistical men that causes so much harm in people’s lives. It is time for the healing and nurturing power of this life force to be felt more fully in a world where material and technological priorities dominate.

I think many men would be profoundly relieved if this approach to sex, and ultimately to life, found wide acceptance. It would eliminate the competitive bravado that masks their vulnerability and allow them to get in touch with their own deep needs for love and fulfilment.

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October 10, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

She Comes First by Ian Kerner

Does your sex etiquette ensure that She Comes First ? This book will convince you why this is important. It will take you through the complex anatomy of the clitoris and how various parts add to the arousal and orgasm process. The end result will be the confidence to master the exercises that lead to a rousing performance for anyone you choose to love.

I appreciated the author’s humour and his honesty in sharing his road to becoming a cunning linguist and that he’d found his Stradivarius whom he loved to play and who loved to make music with him … and babies too.

The book certainly deals with a subject that is up and coming and many men could do with becoming cliterate. I would also like to read his sequel about fellatio. One of the nice things about the way the book is written is that one feels as if one is in the hands of an expert, who has not only done the literature review but also experimented extensively and is going to give you the best lesson on the subject. This is a great confidence booster for men.

I appreciated the whole reorientation away from pursuing orgasms to building sexual tension and seeking pleasure with nothing to prove. The anatomical information was excellent as it laid a basis for confidence on a subject of great ignorance amongst, men and mankind in general.

The whole explanation of the female arousal process was good although I was worried that it could easily turn the man into an observer rather than a participant. However, if he is able to relax beyond concentrating on technique then he will be free to connect with his partner.

The last part was the most mind-boggling as it dealt with application and Ian Kerner was very methodical and detailed, with many exercises for various stages of accomplishment. He does stress that each man and each woman is totally different and that couples have to work out their own preferences. Although it did seem too detailed and technique orientated I appreciated that he was giving exercises that took the participants through stimulation of many areas that would not necessarily get any attention.

Overall I thought that it was essential reading for any man who was serious about love and desires to become a member of cliterati, and a good library book for any sex coach practice.

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October 10, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Getting the Sex You Want by Tammy Nelson

If you’re not Getting the Sex You Want then this book could prove a helpful guide. Its premise is that ‘couples have a greater likelihood of staying together, and for longer periods of time, when they improve their sexual communication skills.’

The central concept is of dialogue, which is different to conversation, because one is totally present in the moment to concentrate on what your partner is saying, and not on your response – it also requires no response.

I found the first part of the book tedious as it repeated the anticipated dialogue several times. I realized that this was because the technique is unnaturally stilted and needs to be learnt and used over and over again to be fully acquired. My wife and I tried using it a couple of times but we ended up arguing – we forgot that appreciation is essential to setting a positive, relaxed tone beforehand!

The aim of the dialogue is to condense one’s message into bite sized pieces that are heard and repeated back, without comment. Then the receiver sits in the sender’s intellectual shoes, imagines why they would think like that, and then moves into their emotional shoes and imagines how they would feel.

This is a great way to diffuse emotion out of an issue between couples. By listening until the sender feels heard, then validating and empathizing with the sender, and then vice versa, there is a wide open opportunity for the resident love in a relationship to rise to the surface and resolve the issue.

I did find the exercises to be painfully slow in progressing but then building a sense of safety is a prerequisite for open and honest sharing in any relationship, especially when the subject is sex – another good reason to encourage the habit of appreciating one’s partner.

I preferred the second half of the book, which introduces some more risky elements and explains why we fantasise, how it is often only healthy psychology at work. It was good to see a framework in which to evaluate fantasy – moving from curiosity to fantasy to action, without the necessity to act out.

As we need safety to relax and trust in a relationship we cultivate the things that build companionship but these make sex dull and unexciting. Sharing our deepest thoughts and fantasies often lights the fires again, especially if they are able to be safely acted out.

Understanding the dynamics of people’s erotic and sexual natures is a great help in learning how to arouse one’s partner – submission and domination, being passive or active, receptive or directive and controlled or controlling – are all elements of any truly erotic recipe.

It was well worth reading the book and I would recommend it to anyone wanting to improve their sexual connection or wanting to help couples in their sexual relationships.

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August 16, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Help with Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED)

Help is at hand for the wave of young men who are having trouble getting it up these days. The new condition called Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED) can be dealt with. The growing knowledge around brain plasticity and the addiction process means PIED can be reversed, even though it is not a medically recognised condition.

First Cause

Many young men drift into porn use from a young age looking for sex education. They not only want to know what to do but want to see how it is done. Every man wants to be a great lover and men are into mechanics. Others are more subconsciously pushed into it to get the orgasmic high that blocks out emotional pain. Whatever the cause the first step has to be a willingness to own the problem and a desire to address it.

Porn usage is usually a hidden addiction but with widespread effects. Our desire to have loving relationships may trigger the crisis of sexual malfunction. However, the year on year effects are widespread as it saps the energy for life of any unsuspecting individual. Those who recover are amazed to find a new zest for life expressed in new talents and opportunities.

The Way in

Fortunately the way in is also the way out. It is not just the thrill of watching that stimulates the reward circuits. The heady orgasmic cocktail of brain chemicals almost compel us to repeat the experience. It is how we humans are cerebrally hardwired and subconsciously programmed.

The amazing quantity of new females on heat, and their evident availability, provides a recurring chemical signal to mate that floods the brain with dopamine. Porn masturbators can keep going for hours flushing their brains as each click of the keyboard offers a new mating opportunity. This is known as the Coolidge Effect, after an American President, who discovered that males mate to exhaustion when constantly presented with new options.

The Downside

The downside is that the pathways to mate with a real live woman become weakened or even deleted. Porn users who start before puberty may never lay down these natural pathways and have to retrain their nervous systems – redoing puberty. This takes longer than those who ‘know’ how to respond to a natural woman and just need to remind their systems.

Habituation, or the loss of impact, can also mean that porn users need more extreme images to get the same buzz. The wake up call may come from the shock of what now arouses them compared to the persons’ values. Here is where you may need to get some expert coaching advice or maybe a possible referral to a therapist.

The First Move

It is simply to stop the action that provides the chemical reaction – noFap rebooting of the system. Practically it means no more watching porn and no more orgasms from porn. If you don’t use it you lose it is appropriate advice here …. and it is the ED you want to lose.

Start exercising or anything to distract you for a week when you feel the pull. Regular sex is ok but nothing that involves your head and imagination for at least a month.

After you’ve done the first week then grit your teeth and hit the second week, until you’ve completed a month of freedom from porn. This is exactly why you need a coach – like an athlete recovering from an injury you need support. Keep focused, be accountable, and just keep going. If you’re doing this on your own you might find some encouragement here.

The Second Step

This step is about connecting with yourself. Think of it as rewiring your pleasure circuits. The current short circuit is through stimulation of the eyes with penile backup to keep the brain soup simmering. This won’t work with a real life multi-dimensional partner. You need a more expansive response system that involves all the senses.

It is time to challenge the number one pleasure organ from his top slot. There are millions of nerve endings in the hands and lips, feet, nipples and in various erogenous zones around the body. The skin is the largest sex organ in the body with the brain as command centre. Just as the neural pathways were set up for addiction to porn, so now these can all be reactivated to bring other parts online. People learn to orgasm from stimulation of the nipples, lips and even ear lobes when physically challenged.

Why drive down a one-way street with porn when you can explore a whole landscape of pleasure. Learn your body and what it is capable of and then you can teach your chosen other. This is where the great lovers separate from the rest of the pack.

Another important part of this step is expanding your masturbation repertoire. This may be possible to do alone, within your own creativity. If not then there are exercises that can also include a partner.

Step Three and Running

Increasing the reward circuit’s experience of pleasure from real sex is the key. However, it needs to be done progressively and impatience can ruin the whole process. Self disciplined individuals with a short history of porn addiction may find those old pathways aren’t so overgrown. However, it is not so much the time as the power of the feel good factor and the individual’s susceptibility to those endorphins that has the real impact.

As there is often a hidden drive to use porn to the extent that it results in PIED then getting help to uncover and deal with that often needs outside help. For best results find a sex coach or other expert who can guide you along the path. This shouldn’t be difficult wherever you live as mobile communications open up the World Association Of Sex Coaches to everyone.

July 31, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Condoms – protection for a safer connection.

Colonel Leveson’s Condom

Imagine a dark night in Worcestershire county, England … in the year of our Lord 1646. The dark clouds of Civil War hang ominously over all of England. In Dudley Castle 340 Royalist soldiers are besieged under their commander, Colonel Leveson. The battle of Naseby has been fought and he knows his cause is lost. On May 16^th he lead his men out of the castle gates under the midday sun to surrender.

As he lay awake the night before did he look for consolation in the arms of a local wench and then, knowing his likely fate, had he thrown his other five condoms, safely stored inside each other, down the same privy?

In 1980 archaeologists discovered six diaphanous pieces of leather in the ancient castle sewage system. They turned out to be the first condoms ever found although speculative evidence of condom use goes back to 10,000 BC.

Those early condoms afforded some protection from the Great Pox, or syphilis, that was ravaging Europe. It was unlikely that they belonged to any of the soldiers as condoms were expensive. They were made by hand from either sheep or pig’s skin or intestine. The membranes took skill and dedication as they needed to be soaked for hours, scraped and stretched several times to get the correct shape. They were a gentleman’s way of avoiding the embarrassment of pregnancy.

The alternative was the linen condom, recommended by Gabriele Falloppio of Italy. Typically stylish, it offered protection from the ‘French Disease’ (syphilis by yet another name). It consisted of a chemically treated bonnet that covered the glans of the penis, fetchingly held in place by a small ribbon.

By the end of the 18th century condoms had become more widespread and were traded as far as Japan. They came in a variety of sizes and qualities, either linen or ‘skin.’ They were still beyond the means of the masses, who were largely ignorant of their benefits. A condom cost the equivalent of several months of a typical prostitute’s earnings.

‘Skins’ and ‘Rubbers’

Charles Goodyear, the inventor of the vulcanisation process that revolutionised tyre manufacture, died penniless in 1858. However, his process enabled the first rubber condom to be made in 1855. The first ‘rubbers’ were as thick as bike inner tubes and made by hand to the individual’s size. Despite being less sensitive than ‘skins,’ their reuseability made them more economical in the long run.

Wars are always great means of spreading disease and WWI was particularly effective at spreading STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections). This lead to condoms becoming part of military standard issue and gaining a wider public acceptance. Sales doubled in the 20s but use began to drop off again as drugs based on penicillin were introduced to tackle STIs. Riding bareback was the favourite method when the odds were even.

Getting into Latex

Latex condoms came on the scene in the late 20s – thinner, stronger and lasting longer … on the shelf (five years compared to three months for rubber). ‘The Durex’ was also cheaper to make as the process could be automated. This lead to condom manufacturers springing up all over the world.

Although the shelf life is longer latex condoms do disintegrate and especially when in contact with oil-based lubes, mineral, baby or vegetable oil or cold cream.

Variety for a Spicy Life

It is still possible to buy condoms made from animal membranes, possibly the only ecofriendly option. For those with a latex or rubber allergy there are other options made from polyurethane, and polyisoprene. They also don’t have that characteristic condom smell.

Manufacturers have also been experimenting with texture for increased pleasure – ribs, rings, and knobs. Try spirals or one that actually twists in use to give the feeling of being really screwed.

Lubrication is another big issue, as condoms tend to promote drying out of natural juices. Accordingly, they now come with and without lubrication, either inside or both in and outside. There are also special additives to increase sensitivity and blood flow (L-arginine), as well as stimulants such as menthol (with breath benefits). Some also offer a numbing agent for those suffering early ejaculation.

However, watch out for N-9 (no relative of K9). This is the active ingredient (nonoxynol-9) of spermicidal lubricant. It can irritate the sensitive tissues of some women’s vulvas and vaginas and increase the risk of infection.

On the Subject of Sensitivity

Remember the inner tubes that started the whole rubber revolution? Well thickness is still an issue. Super thin condoms, from America’s Thinnest to the polyurethane Sagami Original at 0.01mm thickness, claim a more natural experience due to the transmission of body heat.

The wide availability of condoms came about through the mass production of one-size-fits-all. Unfortunately this left 20% of users reporting from mild slippage to complete loss during use. This explains why the claimed 98% effectiveness falls to around 82% in practice amongst the general population. This rate isn’t improved by using both a male and a female condom at the same time, unless the withdrawal method is also used … which begs the question of why begin in the first place?

Manufacturers, it seems, will go to any length to guarantee your pleasure. A good fit affects sensitivity and this is where the thorny subject of penis size raises its ugly head. The answer is bespoke condoms just the way they used to be. It is important to measure your erect member’s length and girth to make sure they fit perfectly.

Added to all this you can also make a moral statement when you purchase by choosing the ‘ethical, fair trade’ condom. And if it’s more to your taste a vegan option from amongst a range that guarantees ‘100% organic fruit flavors’ … to be sampled before, during or after use?

As most condom related activity takes place in low light situations there is now an incandescent option. The Night Light is made from ‘a non-toxic, safe, phosphorous latex’ that glows in the dark.

Whatever your personal situation or partner’s preference there is a condom out there that has been designed to protect you whilst ‘enhancing’ your pleasure.