Relationship Archives - Dr Graham Stevenson

November 3, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Designer Relationships by Mark A Michaels and Patricia Johnson

Relationships have historically been prepackaged – ’till death do us part monogamy. However many people have failed to live within these limits with painful consequences to themselves and those around them. Now there is a move towards designer relationships based on the participants needs and preferences. The move towards conscious sex is bound to affect the relationships we make with each other. This book is a great contribution to that ongoing debate that has seen the equal acceptance of women, homosexuals and now each person’s own unique sexuality.

Written by two people who live in a ‘designed relationship’ for many years it covers and comments on all the possibilities that are currently available. There are reassuring quotes from those who have found the benefits of various combinations. As we have largely inherited the package of monogamy the writers assess its precepts and practices over a long history. They then challenge the misconceptions that have grown up around non-monogamy.

A key issue raised by monogamists is commitment and cheating. This is covered by the need for design’’ to include all the parties consensually. In contrast to monogamists the main issue that polyamorists champion is of honestly dealing with jealousy, which taints so many relationships. In confronting jealousy’s real roots they have discovered a new experience called compersion: ‘taking pleasure in the pleasurable experiences of others.’ Although it sounds like an obvious aspect of healthy love it is severely challenged in close sexual relationships.

There is a good chapter on relationship skills, which have to be so much more attuned when dealing with more than one partner. For those wanting to explore crossing the boundaries of their current relationship there is plenty of advice about how to go about it safely. Overall this is a good guide to how to have happy monogamous and non-monogamous relationships.

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October 11, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

The Chalice and The Blade by Riane Eisler

The Chalice and The Blade is one of my ‘significant’ books. Riane Eisler looks at a broad sweep of social history from Neolithic times to the present day and nature of the Divity that was worshipped and how it affected the culture.
The book starts with an anlysis of Neolithic artefacts and archeology that indicated that the people of those times were in awe of the lifegiving powers of womankind. They recognised that it was out of the female of all creatures that life was born into this earth. They revered the human woman as the apogee of all created feminity and carved many small ‘venuses’ as representations of her that have subsequently been dug up around Europe. The power of men in these cultures was directed into productive and artisitic activities and the societies were generally equitable and peaceful with settlements without defenses and few armaments. She suggests that the sexes co-operated in an interdependent partnership that had synergistic creative energy.
In contrast the pastoral groups of the plains had a different orientation and their ideals rested in the male power of taking life and dominating nature. Their gods were warrior gods and their artefacts were weapons of war. Their attitude to women was one of domination and possession as a means of production. When these two groups met the aggressive pastoralists overpowered the agriculturalists and in successive invasions changed their culture – they moved away from the life-giving Chalice to the life-taking Blade.
The overriding cultural perspective from the fall of Crete to the present day has been predominantly masculine with women relegated to a subservient position of reproach as worker and producer. This masculine drive to dominate and manipulate nature has lead to all the technological advances that have improved human life thus far but at the expense of social development and the environment. Life is lived in the context of powerful men and the threat of war with huge national ‘defense’ budgets and little spent on birth control and things that affect women’s wellbeing.
Riane calls for a return to a gylanic (life-generating) female perspective to inform our culture before our male androcratic (dominator) culture comes to it’s inevitable conclusion in a war that will bring global catastrophy. Anyone who wants a big picture context for the issues of the world should read this book. It is incredibly useful in providing a new view of an old way of life that is the answer to much of humanity’s current groping in the dark. For anyone with a female partner, the future lies in the woman standing next to you. It seems so right that men’s power should be in providing a safe space for women to discover their sexuality and space to express it multi-faceted creativity. Obviously you can’t make war when you are making love.

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October 10, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

For anyone struggling in their relationship and wondering what the options are then Mating in Captivity is a great book to read. Esther Perel’s scope and authority is very reassuring. Her academic style is offset by her way of using the right words to nail an emotion or scenario succinctly. The book is essentially an indirect critique of the traditional monogamous marriage, which she does using pertinent examples from over 20 years experience of sex therapy.

She reviews our present situation – a dilemma of progress. We have such high expectations of romance, intimacy and sexual fulfillment. Our forebears expected less and seemed content with fewer divorces. However, after so many social and sexual revolutions we so often experience frustration and disappointment and leave our marriages in increasing numbers. Whilst substantiating the gains from these advances, she shows the subtle changes they have caused that lie behind our modern expectations and questions the suitability of the old model of marriage.

She lays out the ingredients of a satisfying relationship – the dynamic between intimacy and attraction, security and variety, unity and separateness, the known and the unknown. Without playing with these interactions there is no fuel for the core energy of a relationship, a vibrant desire and eroticism.

In contrast to the talk approach to therapy she strives to reinstate the primacy of body language over the neocortex, and leads couples to eroticise the dynamics of power, control, dependency and vulnerability in non-politically correct ways. This also helps many women to understand their male partner’s communication style as it is the mother tongue of many men. She also separates sexuality as a ‘parallel narrative’ to intimacy, so that both often needing ‘fixing’ in their own rights.

Her continual emphasis is on the eroticism that is misunderstood and missing from many long-term relationships – ‘erotic intelligence is about creating distance, and then bringing that space to life,’ with the imagination. Using case studies she gives examples of couples who overcame these obstacles – her own parents having been early role models in her life.

She encourages couples to tolerate and respect the need for personal intimacy by allowing each other to ‘cultivate a secret garden’ of physical, emotional and intellectual privacy.

Each chapter concentrates on a specific issue, illuminated by case studies, so that you will come away with a new awareness of the dynamics of mating relationship amongst modern man.
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June 18, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

People Who Play Together Stay Together

Play is good for everyone, seriously. It seems odd to link play with being serious as it is natural for children but can be considered frivolous for adults. This is probably because we take ourselves too seriously. Some research shows that our forebears were much more playful all through their short lives. Play is the cheapest form of entertainment that improvises with whatever is available. I can still remember the images of playing submarines in the school courtyard. Enacted storytelling is an ancient way of bonding and communicating. It is probably in our epigenetic DNA.

We Learn Through Play

Play is a highly effective way of learning. So good that most of the animal kingdom is hardwired to play in infancy. Animals deprived of play show retarded brain development and antisocial behaviour. In one experiment, complete restriction of play even resulted in death as all curiosity to explore and survive was overruled by fear. It is through the stress of social interaction that we learn to regulate our inner environment. We learn to self regulate and balance survival responses and curiosity … so it doesn’t kill the cat.

As children we learn adaptability by exercising our imaginations through playing with friends. When two people play, their right brains become attuned and they enter into an altered state where joy and laughter are spontaneous. In play we develop unconscious signals that communicate trust. In this way it is a powerful social bonding agent that fosters tolerance and encourages group cohesion. People who play together stay together.

We Make Connections Through Play

When you are in the play zone you are open to making new connections between objects and ideas and even people. Possibilities are only limited by personalities and imaginations. It is the playful who invent things, cross boundaries and stay young at heart. It is what has kept us ahead as a species. Amongst our evolutionary cousins, the Bonobos, play is at the core of their society. They play and have sex constantly to bond and reduce stress with the result that they live in a very peaceful society with no fatal violence as far as we know.

Play Can be Healing

Play does have rules that we instinctively create, as all that freedom can be dangerous. By keeping to the rules children learn to be aware and care for others, whilst also discerning which rules can be broken. So it is that through play we prepare ourselves to meet the outside world. We act out adult scripts learnt from our role models. Observing children playing can reveal a lot about their parents and home life. We can also mend broken scripts through play as therapy and undo the effects of bad role models and trauma.

Play is fun and seriously good for everyone. It is doubly beneficial when combined with sex, so let go and let the play begin!

(Edited version of an article that appeared in World Association of Sex Coaches and on LinkedIn)

November 18, 2015 By Graham Stevenson

Appreciations

Being appreciative can bring great emotional and physical benefits. Gratitude can make you both healthier and happier. If practiced regularly it can rewire your brain and change your whole life.

Gratitude is not being thankful that you’re not as badly off as others. It is not an objective comparison but rather the active appreciation of positive aspects of your situation; counting your blessings. It is exercising an optimistic perspective on life and this affects the brain.

Benefits for All

In Psychology Today Alex Korb Ph.D reports that the act of being grateful positively affects the brain. It stimulates the hypothalamus which regulates bodily functions and improves physical health. It also activates the reward centres of the brain promoting a virtuous circle of more gratitude. Being thankful makes you naturally more thankful.

The positive emotions, happy memories and improved self-esteem of giving to others encourage a ‘pay it forward’ attitude that is infectious. This is especially important in the environment of the workplace where increased productivity has been associated with appreciation of staff.

As coaches, we like to promote positive attitudes to life. Tony Robbins has his ten minute morning ritual of appreciation. The secret of the exercise is to enter into the emotion of the appreciation. This is the power that rewires the brain.

Benefits for Couples

For couples who are in a relational rut appreciation can be a great help. In the morning I suggest a personal appreciation exercise – just think of three things that you are grateful for before you get up. This should help promote a positive attitude to the day. Before you go to sleep tell your partner three things you have appreciated about them from the day. Everyone sleeps better feeling good about themselves. Try this for a week and see how it changes the dynamic of your relationship.

When you first try this exercise it can be difficult and seem unreal. This is because we are not used to being positive in our outlook. We are animals subconsciously programmed for survival, scanning the environment for danger. It makes us tend towards suspicion rather than trust, to be pessimistic rather than optimistic. But we are not just animals. We can consciously take control of much of our lives, especially our outlook. We can create an attitude of gratitude. It can be like drawing the curtains in a darkened room and the outlook suddenly looks bigger and brighter.

It seems that we are physically and emotionally designed to live in an appreciative attitude to life; it’s God’s will for us.