Book Reviews Archives - Page 3 of 3

October 11, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Sex is the Least of It by Dr Tova Feder

Would you have guessed that Sex is the Least of It when considering sexual surrogacy work? This book is a long overdue appreciation of the work of sexual partner therapy (SPT). Dr Tova Feder interviews many surrogates, both working and retired (including some well-known names), as well as several therapists who work or have worked with surrogates. The final interviews are with those who train surrogates concluding with a review of research papers pertaining to the efficacy of surrogacy work. The whole book is very personal from the point of view of hearing what the surrogates themselves feel and experience, alongside clients’ stories of successful outcomes. It’s impact is widened by also giving a good feel for the atmosphere within which the profession operates both for therapists and surrogates.

The rationale for using surrogates is compelling both from the sexual experience side, which is only about 10% of the work (hence the title of the book). The bulk of the work is about discovering one’s sexuality through primarily sensual experience. The skills and confidence to become a good lover are taught through building confidence in social skills such as dating and communicating and tackling problem areas such as body image.

Sadly most of the people interviewed in the book were under the impression that the profession was in decline, with less and less surrogates being trained, whereas they perceived the need for the work was on the increase.

I enjoyed the whole professional and ethical rationale of the profession, but I was frustrated by what I perceived as a lack of flexibility in viewing a future for this kind of work. I suspect it is for precisely these reasons, ie the ethics and professionalism, that restricts the framework for surrogacy from being adapted. The sad thing is that it started in pathology and is bound by it’s accountability to the ethics of a pathological profession – sex therapy. This is also how it finds whatever acceptability it has with the general public – because it deals with rehabilitation.

Perhaps a more sex positive educational context could open up new areas of application. Certainly freeing it from the restraints of therapeutic oversight would also reduce the costs considerably and make the programs more adaptable. A preventative use of surrogacy would also catch the falling clients whose concerns develop over the years into problems that drive them to seek out the services of a sex therapist. In the end, as Dr Ronit Aloni pointed out, in the light of the evidence, the ultimately ethical thing to do is to provide the surrogate service … because it works.

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October 10, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Women Who Love Sex by Gina Ogden

What is it that Women Who Love Sex really like about it? This book tackles this centuries old issue for the benefit of both women and men. You might think the answers are going to come in a male-centred view of sex and at first glance Gina Ogden’s title might give you hope. However, she aims at something totally different as she tries to present a female definition of sex through the experiences of ‘easily orgasmic’ women that expands the subject.

Her interviewees express concepts that she uses to progressively formulate an alternative view of sex – much broader and more holistic than the male performance view and more scientifically challenging to measure.

Relationship is the first important ingredient with really expressively satisfying sex for a woman being put into the context of trust, safety and mutual respect … in contrast to attempting to tuning in the dials in the hope of getting the right combination to open her up!

The male perception is that easily orgasmic women would be looking for sex all the time, like men. But the interviewees reveal a wider definition of sex and being easily orgasmic is just a result of having come to terms with an uncompromisingly sensual way of living. This doesn’t diminish the intellectual and make them slaves to their bodily appetites but allows the sexual life force to pervade much of what they do so that they are creatively fulfilled, physically satisfied and personally empowered and independent.

The common challenge, which many faced, was to love themselves first. To get a good view of themselves they found they needed to cast off the societal or familial definition of how a woman should be and how she should behave. It seems that for many of the women suffering was a common pathway to coming face to face with their true selves. Many of these women had relentlessly held onto a deep-seated need for connection and the nurturance of a loving relationship in defiance to historical precedents and suffered the rejection of peer groups and families. They needed to turn the negative energy of anger and frustration that fueled this rebellion into a positive force to find peace in life and so self-acceptance was the first step.

In contrast to the male view of sex which is so physical and performance based, the wider and softer female view looks at pleasure in all areas, and even displaces orgasm from physical stimulation for some, with ecstasy as a higher plane of consciousness that can be maintained for hours and not just alongside the spasms of ejaculation as in the male orgasm.

These women were marvelous and awe-inspiring by being both vulnerable and at the same time powerful in their own private ways. They had discovered inner peace through self-acceptance and re-orientated their sexual procreative energies into a broadly generative approach to life. This essentially selfless power is what could challenge a world run on selfish principles by egotistical men that causes so much harm in people’s lives. It is time for the healing and nurturing power of this life force to be felt more fully in a world where material and technological priorities dominate.

I think many men would be profoundly relieved if this approach to sex, and ultimately to life, found wide acceptance. It would eliminate the competitive bravado that masks their vulnerability and allow them to get in touch with their own deep needs for love and fulfilment.

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October 10, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

She Comes First by Ian Kerner

Does your sex etiquette ensure that She Comes First ? This book will convince you why this is important. It will take you through the complex anatomy of the clitoris and how various parts add to the arousal and orgasm process. The end result will be the confidence to master the exercises that lead to a rousing performance for anyone you choose to love.

I appreciated the author’s humour and his honesty in sharing his road to becoming a cunning linguist and that he’d found his Stradivarius whom he loved to play and who loved to make music with him … and babies too.

The book certainly deals with a subject that is up and coming and many men could do with becoming cliterate. I would also like to read his sequel about fellatio. One of the nice things about the way the book is written is that one feels as if one is in the hands of an expert, who has not only done the literature review but also experimented extensively and is going to give you the best lesson on the subject. This is a great confidence booster for men.

I appreciated the whole reorientation away from pursuing orgasms to building sexual tension and seeking pleasure with nothing to prove. The anatomical information was excellent as it laid a basis for confidence on a subject of great ignorance amongst, men and mankind in general.

The whole explanation of the female arousal process was good although I was worried that it could easily turn the man into an observer rather than a participant. However, if he is able to relax beyond concentrating on technique then he will be free to connect with his partner.

The last part was the most mind-boggling as it dealt with application and Ian Kerner was very methodical and detailed, with many exercises for various stages of accomplishment. He does stress that each man and each woman is totally different and that couples have to work out their own preferences. Although it did seem too detailed and technique orientated I appreciated that he was giving exercises that took the participants through stimulation of many areas that would not necessarily get any attention.

Overall I thought that it was essential reading for any man who was serious about love and desires to become a member of cliterati, and a good library book for any sex coach practice.

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October 10, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Getting the Sex You Want by Tammy Nelson

If you’re not Getting the Sex You Want then this book could prove a helpful guide. Its premise is that ‘couples have a greater likelihood of staying together, and for longer periods of time, when they improve their sexual communication skills.’

The central concept is of dialogue, which is different to conversation, because one is totally present in the moment to concentrate on what your partner is saying, and not on your response – it also requires no response.

I found the first part of the book tedious as it repeated the anticipated dialogue several times. I realized that this was because the technique is unnaturally stilted and needs to be learnt and used over and over again to be fully acquired. My wife and I tried using it a couple of times but we ended up arguing – we forgot that appreciation is essential to setting a positive, relaxed tone beforehand!

The aim of the dialogue is to condense one’s message into bite sized pieces that are heard and repeated back, without comment. Then the receiver sits in the sender’s intellectual shoes, imagines why they would think like that, and then moves into their emotional shoes and imagines how they would feel.

This is a great way to diffuse emotion out of an issue between couples. By listening until the sender feels heard, then validating and empathizing with the sender, and then vice versa, there is a wide open opportunity for the resident love in a relationship to rise to the surface and resolve the issue.

I did find the exercises to be painfully slow in progressing but then building a sense of safety is a prerequisite for open and honest sharing in any relationship, especially when the subject is sex – another good reason to encourage the habit of appreciating one’s partner.

I preferred the second half of the book, which introduces some more risky elements and explains why we fantasise, how it is often only healthy psychology at work. It was good to see a framework in which to evaluate fantasy – moving from curiosity to fantasy to action, without the necessity to act out.

As we need safety to relax and trust in a relationship we cultivate the things that build companionship but these make sex dull and unexciting. Sharing our deepest thoughts and fantasies often lights the fires again, especially if they are able to be safely acted out.

Understanding the dynamics of people’s erotic and sexual natures is a great help in learning how to arouse one’s partner – submission and domination, being passive or active, receptive or directive and controlled or controlling – are all elements of any truly erotic recipe.

It was well worth reading the book and I would recommend it to anyone wanting to improve their sexual connection or wanting to help couples in their sexual relationships.

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October 10, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

For anyone struggling in their relationship and wondering what the options are then Mating in Captivity is a great book to read. Esther Perel’s scope and authority is very reassuring. Her academic style is offset by her way of using the right words to nail an emotion or scenario succinctly. The book is essentially an indirect critique of the traditional monogamous marriage, which she does using pertinent examples from over 20 years experience of sex therapy.

She reviews our present situation – a dilemma of progress. We have such high expectations of romance, intimacy and sexual fulfillment. Our forebears expected less and seemed content with fewer divorces. However, after so many social and sexual revolutions we so often experience frustration and disappointment and leave our marriages in increasing numbers. Whilst substantiating the gains from these advances, she shows the subtle changes they have caused that lie behind our modern expectations and questions the suitability of the old model of marriage.

She lays out the ingredients of a satisfying relationship – the dynamic between intimacy and attraction, security and variety, unity and separateness, the known and the unknown. Without playing with these interactions there is no fuel for the core energy of a relationship, a vibrant desire and eroticism.

In contrast to the talk approach to therapy she strives to reinstate the primacy of body language over the neocortex, and leads couples to eroticise the dynamics of power, control, dependency and vulnerability in non-politically correct ways. This also helps many women to understand their male partner’s communication style as it is the mother tongue of many men. She also separates sexuality as a ‘parallel narrative’ to intimacy, so that both often needing ‘fixing’ in their own rights.

Her continual emphasis is on the eroticism that is misunderstood and missing from many long-term relationships – ‘erotic intelligence is about creating distance, and then bringing that space to life,’ with the imagination. Using case studies she gives examples of couples who overcame these obstacles – her own parents having been early role models in her life.

She encourages couples to tolerate and respect the need for personal intimacy by allowing each other to ‘cultivate a secret garden’ of physical, emotional and intellectual privacy.

Each chapter concentrates on a specific issue, illuminated by case studies, so that you will come away with a new awareness of the dynamics of mating relationship amongst modern man.
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