Book Reviews Archives - Graham Stevenson

March 22, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

Fifty Shades of Grey by EL James

I wouldn’t normally read a fictional story like Fifty Shades of Grey about a forbidden sexuality but it has become a publishing phenomenon. It has captured the attention of a whole cross-section of conservative people, especially women, and not due to literary merit.

Rather clumsy at times, the book develops its own clichés describing the main characters’ sexual chemistry and sexual encounters. It is the story of first love and sexual discovery by an inexperienced young student of literature, Anastasia Steele. Her lover is a highly successful man with an unusual way of finding sexual gratification … through the art of BDSM. There is no doubt that he is talented and capable in the field of Bondage, Domination and Submission, and Sado-Masochism. Christian Grey’s journey to this point has been a tortured one. However, he has reconciled himself to, and will not deny or excuse, his truth. They come from very different backgrounds which inform their expectations. His fascination with her seems to arise from her outspoken expectations of an uncomplicated love. In contrast, his path to success has come through more taboo relationships and more unusual sexual experiences.

They make love for her first time but thereafter it is all ‘hard fucking’. His enjoyment of the power play and possession of another may be a way of avoiding his emotional self. She tentatively submits as she discovers her sexual self in the shadow land of pain and pleasure. The sexual chemistry is what unites them in sensual exploration and passionate sex. He is intuitive and expert whilst she is easily orgasmic and seems capable of even coming to order. The unsettling struggle between them is her need for emotional connection and his need for domination gratified through administering pain.

This tension reaches a climax when she makes a desperate bid for a deeper connection. She submits unconditionally to him only to discover her own boundaries and the visceral anger at their violation. The couple part company in the pain of an unreconcilable love. The mix of love, sex, money, innocence and the dark side of the human psyche are a winning combination. The sad conclusion of the book is that sexual chemistry alone doesn’t guarantee a relationship.

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November 3, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Designer Relationships by Mark A Michaels and Patricia Johnson

Relationships have historically been prepackaged – ’till death do us part monogamy. However many people have failed to live within these limits with painful consequences to themselves and those around them. Now there is a move towards designer relationships based on the participants needs and preferences. The move towards conscious sex is bound to affect the relationships we make with each other. This book is a great contribution to that ongoing debate that has seen the equal acceptance of women, homosexuals and now each person’s own unique sexuality.

Written by two people who live in a ‘designed relationship’ for many years it covers and comments on all the possibilities that are currently available. There are reassuring quotes from those who have found the benefits of various combinations. As we have largely inherited the package of monogamy the writers assess its precepts and practices over a long history. They then challenge the misconceptions that have grown up around non-monogamy.

A key issue raised by monogamists is commitment and cheating. This is covered by the need for design’’ to include all the parties consensually. In contrast to monogamists the main issue that polyamorists champion is of honestly dealing with jealousy, which taints so many relationships. In confronting jealousy’s real roots they have discovered a new experience called compersion: ‘taking pleasure in the pleasurable experiences of others.’ Although it sounds like an obvious aspect of healthy love it is severely challenged in close sexual relationships.

There is a good chapter on relationship skills, which have to be so much more attuned when dealing with more than one partner. For those wanting to explore crossing the boundaries of their current relationship there is plenty of advice about how to go about it safely. Overall this is a good guide to how to have happy monogamous and non-monogamous relationships.

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October 31, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

His Porn, Her Pain by Marty Klein, PhD

The latest book by Marty Klein, His Porn, Her Pain confronts the PornPanic head on. Although it is aimed at America’s PornPanic, a term he has coined for the misguided reaction to pornography, it is equally applicable elsewhere. From the perspective of a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist with 35 years experience he asks challenging questions about our reaction to pornography.

Since high-speed internet access has opened every device to a flood of pornography there has been a growing reaction characteristic of panic. The sex negative attitude in American culture has grown from a moral stand against pornography to a public health stand. This means that the user is no longer judged and left in his/her ‘degenerate’ choice but must now be outed for all our good and their own.

Marty Klein takes each of the accusations levelled at pornography and brings them under the spotlight to see how true they are and if there is any evidence to support the claims of harm and altered behaviour. His language is challenging and his arguments evidence-based without taking sides for or against porn. He repeatedly comes back to the conclusion that these voices are the result of a society that has a black and white polarised view of sex that is ill-informed and immature. He acknowledges that his circles are made up of the world’s smartest sex positive colleagues and friends who have helped him hone his views on the subject. Most of us don’t get an adequate sex education at school, let alone a positive one, and we are heavily influenced by fear.

He shows how many issues lie behind the use of porn and that these can be easily missed in aiming at porn only, especially in relationships. He refutes the idea of such a thing as porn addiction, sex addiction and Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction and why these things have not been recognised in the American Diagnostic Manual – 5 or similar ICD-10 of the World Health Organisation. Using examples he shows how porn use can be a component of more important personal and relational problems that would be unaddressed if porn use was targeted. This can often be because the therapist or counsellor’s mind is in the grip of the PornPanic and not being objective and non-judgemental. He reminds professionals of the basic principles that make for a helpful therapeutic approach and lists the issues that are often hidden behind porn use.

The book is an easy and absorbing read that helps to untangle the mind from all the emotionally charged stands that various people have taken against porn despite the lack of evidence. I agree with his repeated call for a mature discussion amongst partners, parents and children and in society generally on the subject of sex that is informed by the facts. The question that really needs addressing is why the panic?

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October 11, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

The Chalice and The Blade by Riane Eisler

The Chalice and The Blade is one of my ‘significant’ books. Riane Eisler looks at a broad sweep of social history from Neolithic times to the present day and nature of the Divity that was worshipped and how it affected the culture.
The book starts with an anlysis of Neolithic artefacts and archeology that indicated that the people of those times were in awe of the lifegiving powers of womankind. They recognised that it was out of the female of all creatures that life was born into this earth. They revered the human woman as the apogee of all created feminity and carved many small ‘venuses’ as representations of her that have subsequently been dug up around Europe. The power of men in these cultures was directed into productive and artisitic activities and the societies were generally equitable and peaceful with settlements without defenses and few armaments. She suggests that the sexes co-operated in an interdependent partnership that had synergistic creative energy.
In contrast the pastoral groups of the plains had a different orientation and their ideals rested in the male power of taking life and dominating nature. Their gods were warrior gods and their artefacts were weapons of war. Their attitude to women was one of domination and possession as a means of production. When these two groups met the aggressive pastoralists overpowered the agriculturalists and in successive invasions changed their culture – they moved away from the life-giving Chalice to the life-taking Blade.
The overriding cultural perspective from the fall of Crete to the present day has been predominantly masculine with women relegated to a subservient position of reproach as worker and producer. This masculine drive to dominate and manipulate nature has lead to all the technological advances that have improved human life thus far but at the expense of social development and the environment. Life is lived in the context of powerful men and the threat of war with huge national ‘defense’ budgets and little spent on birth control and things that affect women’s wellbeing.
Riane calls for a return to a gylanic (life-generating) female perspective to inform our culture before our male androcratic (dominator) culture comes to it’s inevitable conclusion in a war that will bring global catastrophy. Anyone who wants a big picture context for the issues of the world should read this book. It is incredibly useful in providing a new view of an old way of life that is the answer to much of humanity’s current groping in the dark. For anyone with a female partner, the future lies in the woman standing next to you. It seems so right that men’s power should be in providing a safe space for women to discover their sexuality and space to express it multi-faceted creativity. Obviously you can’t make war when you are making love.

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October 11, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

The Sex Bible by Susan Crain Bakos

At first glance The Sex Bible by Susan Crain Bakos looks like a coffe table book. It has a large format with an arresting picture on the front that emphasises the fact that it is about sex … and may be illustrated throughout!

So I was a little sceptical as I started reading but the text was punchy with lots of informative facts about various studies and techniques. I thought that I would be disappointed but surprisingly it whetted my appetite to read more. I was glad of the author’s experience and that she added her personal endorsement and comments along the way. I also liked the quotes from other authorities that made points and gave opinions to keep you intellectually engaged. As a book to be picked up and encourage the average person to look deeper and wider I think it works very well.

The photographs are large, soft and glossy and far too posed for my liking – I got a little annoyed with ‘that look’ page after page. There were no vulvas or penises on show and so they only exemplified the text or techniques very vaguely. However, they do fit in with the concept of a coffee table book but I found they detracted from the quality of the text and I would have prefered more text and far fewer colour plates. This was obviously a marketing pitch and for that I think that it may have worked … a daring present to give someone to put on a side table to be noticed in passing.

The last part was the most interesting, from my point of view, as it covered, in brief, a whole range of advanced sex techniques and positions and demystified a lot of the sacred and mystic sexual practises. I think that these have much to teach us ‘average performers,’ if we could only tease out the time consuming commitment and not necessarily essential ritual, etc.. Obviously for serious adherents of sacred sexual practises the ritual and spiritual context is important. However, they all have simple practical applications that can be condensed out of the whole package for the average man in the bedroom. This book was spot on in that respect for me as it simplified the essential ingredients of such practises as Tantra, Karezza and Kabbazah, simultaneous, multiple and whole body orgasms and a whole lot more.

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