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January 10, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

Our Mammalian-Brain Sexuality – Part 2

It is a scary idea for many people that our Lizard brains might be influencing our sexuality. To stop this happening most societies use a very effective tool – SHAME. The message shame brings is that it’s not just your behaviour that is wrong but YOU (‘you animal’). We avoid the pain that shame brings by trying to be normal and conforming to the accepted standard of behaviour.

Not surprisingly fear and shame are two of the most powerfully repressive influences on human sexuality. These emotions have a great deal to teach us if only we understood and accepted them. Unfortunately they have been used for centuries as very effective ways to control our behaviour.

Thankfully our ancestry isn’t just reptilian. On top of the Lizard brain sits the mammalian brain, otherwise known as the Limbic system. Mammals are more complicated organisms whose mating requires bonding to protect and nurture their young.

Love is friendship that has caught fire. Ann Landers

The sexuality that is characteristic of this part of the brain is expressed in bonded relationships between people who are attracted to each other. Now, it’s not just any-old body that will do, as for the lizard brain, but only one specific body will do. Now it is the bond of attraction that justifies the sexual connection rather than blind instinctual drive. These mammalian bonds can be fragile, as in teenage infatuations, or strong enough to bring people together in lasting relationships, even if the reason ends up being ‘for the sake of the kids.’

Care and protection are fundamental aspects of human mating patterns and not surprisingly also common factors in the breakdown of our bonded sexual relationships. To get the best out of our relationships we have to satisfy our subconscious survival instincts, which are constantly asking the question ‘am I safe?’

However, each individual has their own definition of safety which will depend on their character and life experience. Generally the three areas that influence security are:-

resources, such as money, jobs and houses
connectedness, such as business associations, clubs and a large circle of friends
deeply significant relationships, such as having a soul-mate, or long-term best friend.

These criteria will then have a big subconscious influence on our ability to relax and be freely sexually expressive.

The most powerful antidote to shame is being able to accept that we are PERFECTLY NATURAL and therefore, NOT ALONE in our thoughts and feelings. The whole human race is by definition quite natural but what is normal varies with each distinct group of humans. Understanding our psycho-physiology is a huge step in the direction of self-discovery of what is natural and then being able to choose our own normality.

If you feel you may need help after reading this blog please call me on 07933 709169 or email me here.

(Inspired by a talk given by Ron Levine at SCU)

December 28, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Our Lizard-Brain Sexuality – Part 1

Said to be the biggest sex organ, the brain has various levels of sexual consciousness. Many of us live in a restricted sexual consciousness, afraid of the shadows on the edges of our minds. It takes courage to deliberately bring those shadows into the light. Real integrity must include being aware of and accepting what is in those shadows.

That journey of discovery is more often associated with ancient societies and pagan religions whereas self-denial has been the method of more ‘enlightened’ religions. The quest for authenticity, which implies self-discovery, has lead many to challenge the repression of the more uncomfortable aspects of our animal instincts.

“No one man can, for any considerable time, wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which is the true one.” Nathaniel Hawthorne

The evolutionary path of human beings has resulted in the fact that we have a complex brain. The most primitive part is called the brainstem, which sits right on the top of the main neural highway of the nervous system called the spinal cord. It is considered a relic of our evolutionary origins and has been called the Reptilian Brain. It receives nearly all the sensory information that we live by on its way into the brain for processing.

The brain stem deals with the basic survival of the animal, hunger, safety, reproduction and the regulation of internal organs, called homeostasis.

Reptiles are impulsive creatures that eat their own young, amongst other things and this part of the brain expresses a raw sexuality. It is characterised by indiscriminate desire, often called lust. This drive for instant gratification is entirely self-centred and indiscriminate in that literally any body will do. I think we also experience it in the form of ‘sexual chemistry’ that often transcends opposites, such as a big game hunter and a committed conservationist whose relationship eventually failed when ‘the sexual chemistry died out.’

Does this also explain why devoted husbands can’t stop ‘noticing’ a pretty woman walking by, or nice women lose their composure and blush in close contact with an attractive stranger? Of course, this isn’t restricted to just heterosexual interactions, which makes it even more uncomfortable for many people and most societies.

Because this brain operates at a subconscious level it is less understood and less controllable. The easiest thing then is to push it all into the shadows and hope it stays hidden or goes away. When conscious control is weakened, however, such as with alcohol, drugs or even just opportunity, it can express itself in embarrassing ways.

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” Sigmund Freud

The reptilian brain is responsible for our most bestial sexual behaviour such as rape and abuse. However, I believe it is also the spark that often fizzles out in committed long-term relationships.

Reptilian brains seem to be programmed for variety, danger, and novelty, which are all present as a relationship starts. But, as Esther Perel points out in Mating in Captivity, as relationships mature these often get replaced with familiarity, predictability and routine and the energetic edge in sex gets lost.

Keeping sex alive in a longterm relationship may require connecting again at this level and learning how to rekindle desire. For anyone caught in this trap or interested in learning more then please email me here or call me on 07933 709169.

Read about sex on the next level here.

(Inspired by a talk given by Ron Levine at SCU)

November 3, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Designer Relationships by Mark A Michaels and Patricia Johnson

Relationships have historically been prepackaged – ’till death do us part monogamy. However many people have failed to live within these limits with painful consequences to themselves and those around them. Now there is a move towards designer relationships based on the participants needs and preferences. The move towards conscious sex is bound to affect the relationships we make with each other. This book is a great contribution to that ongoing debate that has seen the equal acceptance of women, homosexuals and now each person’s own unique sexuality.

Written by two people who live in a ‘designed relationship’ for many years it covers and comments on all the possibilities that are currently available. There are reassuring quotes from those who have found the benefits of various combinations. As we have largely inherited the package of monogamy the writers assess its precepts and practices over a long history. They then challenge the misconceptions that have grown up around non-monogamy.

A key issue raised by monogamists is commitment and cheating. This is covered by the need for design’’ to include all the parties consensually. In contrast to monogamists the main issue that polyamorists champion is of honestly dealing with jealousy, which taints so many relationships. In confronting jealousy’s real roots they have discovered a new experience called compersion: ‘taking pleasure in the pleasurable experiences of others.’ Although it sounds like an obvious aspect of healthy love it is severely challenged in close sexual relationships.

There is a good chapter on relationship skills, which have to be so much more attuned when dealing with more than one partner. For those wanting to explore crossing the boundaries of their current relationship there is plenty of advice about how to go about it safely. Overall this is a good guide to how to have happy monogamous and non-monogamous relationships.

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October 31, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

His Porn, Her Pain by Marty Klein, PhD

The latest book by Marty Klein, His Porn, Her Pain confronts the PornPanic head on. Although it is aimed at America’s PornPanic, a term he has coined for the misguided reaction to pornography, it is equally applicable elsewhere. From the perspective of a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist with 35 years experience he asks challenging questions about our reaction to pornography.

Since high-speed internet access has opened every device to a flood of pornography there has been a growing reaction characteristic of panic. The sex negative attitude in American culture has grown from a moral stand against pornography to a public health stand. This means that the user is no longer judged and left in his/her ‘degenerate’ choice but must now be outed for all our good and their own.

Marty Klein takes each of the accusations levelled at pornography and brings them under the spotlight to see how true they are and if there is any evidence to support the claims of harm and altered behaviour. His language is challenging and his arguments evidence-based without taking sides for or against porn. He repeatedly comes back to the conclusion that these voices are the result of a society that has a black and white polarised view of sex that is ill-informed and immature. He acknowledges that his circles are made up of the world’s smartest sex positive colleagues and friends who have helped him hone his views on the subject. Most of us don’t get an adequate sex education at school, let alone a positive one, and we are heavily influenced by fear.

He shows how many issues lie behind the use of porn and that these can be easily missed in aiming at porn only, especially in relationships. He refutes the idea of such a thing as porn addiction, sex addiction and Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction and why these things have not been recognised in the American Diagnostic Manual – 5 or similar ICD-10 of the World Health Organisation. Using examples he shows how porn use can be a component of more important personal and relational problems that would be unaddressed if porn use was targeted. This can often be because the therapist or counsellor’s mind is in the grip of the PornPanic and not being objective and non-judgemental. He reminds professionals of the basic principles that make for a helpful therapeutic approach and lists the issues that are often hidden behind porn use.

The book is an easy and absorbing read that helps to untangle the mind from all the emotionally charged stands that various people have taken against porn despite the lack of evidence. I agree with his repeated call for a mature discussion amongst partners, parents and children and in society generally on the subject of sex that is informed by the facts. The question that really needs addressing is why the panic?

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October 11, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

The Chalice and The Blade by Riane Eisler

The Chalice and The Blade is one of my ‘significant’ books. Riane Eisler looks at a broad sweep of social history from Neolithic times to the present day and nature of the Divity that was worshipped and how it affected the culture.
The book starts with an anlysis of Neolithic artefacts and archeology that indicated that the people of those times were in awe of the lifegiving powers of womankind. They recognised that it was out of the female of all creatures that life was born into this earth. They revered the human woman as the apogee of all created feminity and carved many small ‘venuses’ as representations of her that have subsequently been dug up around Europe. The power of men in these cultures was directed into productive and artisitic activities and the societies were generally equitable and peaceful with settlements without defenses and few armaments. She suggests that the sexes co-operated in an interdependent partnership that had synergistic creative energy.
In contrast the pastoral groups of the plains had a different orientation and their ideals rested in the male power of taking life and dominating nature. Their gods were warrior gods and their artefacts were weapons of war. Their attitude to women was one of domination and possession as a means of production. When these two groups met the aggressive pastoralists overpowered the agriculturalists and in successive invasions changed their culture – they moved away from the life-giving Chalice to the life-taking Blade.
The overriding cultural perspective from the fall of Crete to the present day has been predominantly masculine with women relegated to a subservient position of reproach as worker and producer. This masculine drive to dominate and manipulate nature has lead to all the technological advances that have improved human life thus far but at the expense of social development and the environment. Life is lived in the context of powerful men and the threat of war with huge national ‘defense’ budgets and little spent on birth control and things that affect women’s wellbeing.
Riane calls for a return to a gylanic (life-generating) female perspective to inform our culture before our male androcratic (dominator) culture comes to it’s inevitable conclusion in a war that will bring global catastrophy. Anyone who wants a big picture context for the issues of the world should read this book. It is incredibly useful in providing a new view of an old way of life that is the answer to much of humanity’s current groping in the dark. For anyone with a female partner, the future lies in the woman standing next to you. It seems so right that men’s power should be in providing a safe space for women to discover their sexuality and space to express it multi-faceted creativity. Obviously you can’t make war when you are making love.

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