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March 22, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

Fifty Shades of Grey by EL James

I wouldn’t normally read a fictional story like Fifty Shades of Grey about a forbidden sexuality but it has become a publishing phenomenon. It has captured the attention of a whole cross-section of conservative people, especially women, and not due to literary merit.

Rather clumsy at times, the book develops its own clichés describing the main characters’ sexual chemistry and sexual encounters. It is the story of first love and sexual discovery by an inexperienced young student of literature, Anastasia Steele. Her lover is a highly successful man with an unusual way of finding sexual gratification … through the art of BDSM. There is no doubt that he is talented and capable in the field of Bondage, Domination and Submission, and Sado-Masochism. Christian Grey’s journey to this point has been a tortured one. However, he has reconciled himself to, and will not deny or excuse, his truth. They come from very different backgrounds which inform their expectations. His fascination with her seems to arise from her outspoken expectations of an uncomplicated love. In contrast, his path to success has come through more taboo relationships and more unusual sexual experiences.

They make love for her first time but thereafter it is all ‘hard fucking’. His enjoyment of the power play and possession of another may be a way of avoiding his emotional self. She tentatively submits as she discovers her sexual self in the shadow land of pain and pleasure. The sexual chemistry is what unites them in sensual exploration and passionate sex. He is intuitive and expert whilst she is easily orgasmic and seems capable of even coming to order. The unsettling struggle between them is her need for emotional connection and his need for domination gratified through administering pain.

This tension reaches a climax when she makes a desperate bid for a deeper connection. She submits unconditionally to him only to discover her own boundaries and the visceral anger at their violation. The couple part company in the pain of an unreconcilable love. The mix of love, sex, money, innocence and the dark side of the human psyche are a winning combination. The sad conclusion of the book is that sexual chemistry alone doesn’t guarantee a relationship.

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March 14, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

Our Primate-Brain Sexuality – Part 3

The last part of the brain to receive information is the Neocortex which overlays the mammalian brain, where our human sexuality is defined. The mammalian brain overrides the crude survival instincts of the lizard brain to make bonding and social co-operation possible. In humans the mammalian brain is enlarged and combines with the neocortex. This brings our unique higher functions of abstract thought, speech and problem solving into the behavioural mix.

The sexuality influenced by this area of the brain is characterised by a compassionate consideration of the other, shared plans and a longer-term commitment. Sex becomes the consummation of a considered commitment, often of the ‘’till death do us part’ kind. We can mate for life, if we so choose.

Surely now we can take all the raw lizard-brained sex, combine it with the loving and nurturing mammalian-brained sexuality, and put it intentionally into the context of a long-term commitment. Is this a recipe for human happiness?

Shame

Unfortunately the choice is so often clouded by morality. Is lizard-brained sexuality wrong? Is our mammalian-brained sexuality better? Is the ultimately good and right sexual expression found in being monogamously committed to one person for life? Morality always brings along its dark shadow, shame.

The structure of our brain means that it receives information sequentially. It arrives first in the lizard brain and then via the mammalian brain comes into consciousness in our aspirational brain. Our first thoughts and impulses thus so easily embarrass and make us feel ashamed.

However, shame is more and more being recognised for the control mechanism it is. This has often been unhealthy when used to control individuals for the sake of social conformity. When embraced positively shame can be a very helpful guide to achieving personal integrity. It does this by alerting us when we cross our own boundaries. This awareness only comes when we unhitch it from externally imposed morals. Then we have to consciously reconnect it to our own chosen values.

A good first step is unbiased self-acceptance. Although we are animals, we have the ability to choose the way we live. History is littered with evidence of what psychology knows – if we deny ourselves in unhealthy ways we just store up an inevitable reaction.

‘If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.’ Matthew 3:25 NIV

Living in personal integrity is a path that only the brave can choose. It promises a happiness based on inner contentment and not external circumstances. But it means challenging accepted norms whilst embracing our own unique way of being. However, the compassion needed to achieve this for ourselves can then be extended to others to build a social harmony that embraces diversity. This trend is evidenced by the acceptance of different ways of relating such as through tinder hookups, friends-with-benefits, same-sex unions, swinging and polyamory.

If you are inspired or challenged to explore your sexuality and need advice or guidance then please contact me on 07933 709169 or email me here.

(Inspired by a talk given by Ron Levine at SCU)

February 19, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

BIOCENTRISM by Robert Lanza MD with Bob Berman

The word Biocentrism has been coined by Robert Lanza, the author, to encapsulate a new perspective on the creation of the universe. It is a very readable science book for those who long to try to tie up the loose ends in the story of life, the universe and everything in between. There are only a certain number of people who want to have a big picture framework in which to set things. The danger of not doing so is to go off down a side street and think that it is the main road, and that the corner shop is the main shopping centre of the town.

Biocentrism is the story of Robert Lanza’s own quest to tie up the loose end in scientific thinking. He does this through sharing his own, quite remarkable, and the opportunities he had to work with some particularly brilliant minds.

I found the personal side of the story helped to water down what could have been a very heavy read. It certainly took some concentration to keep up with some of the scientific theories. The description of the experiments also helped to make clear what the whole book was building up to – a new view of how everything came into being that consciousness is the precursor of matter, and therefore that all matter is the expression of what consciousness could conceive.

By turning conventional thinking on its head he makes simple sense out of the unanswered riddles of science … of course all the parameters for life on this planet, which are statistically inexplicable are thus considering it was living consciousness that conceived them. This is based on the logic of if a tree falls in the forest and no-one is there to hear it …it does not make a sound.

I enjoyed the book for opening up the inexplicable experiments of science and for presenting an idea that could finally reconcile science and religion, in the form of consciousness. It seems that so many who have rejected the religion of their parents still talk about Life, Nature, the Universe, etc as an external consciousness. The irony for me is that it may be taking all of humanity, with all our diverse beliefs, coming together like a giant jigsaw to bring this consciousness into better focus. It also requires all sentient beings to be respected as having contributed their part in the formation of this planet as it currently is and that sustainable stability requires the acknowledgement of their right to exist.

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January 10, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

Our Mammalian-Brain Sexuality – Part 2

It is a scary idea for many people that our Lizard brains might be influencing our sexuality. To stop this happening most societies use a very effective tool – SHAME. The message shame brings is that it’s not just your behaviour that is wrong but YOU (‘you animal’). We avoid the pain that shame brings by trying to be normal and conforming to the accepted standard of behaviour.

Not surprisingly fear and shame are two of the most powerfully repressive influences on human sexuality. These emotions have a great deal to teach us if only we understood and accepted them. Unfortunately they have been used for centuries as very effective ways to control our behaviour.

Thankfully our ancestry isn’t just reptilian. On top of the Lizard brain sits the mammalian brain, otherwise known as the Limbic system. Mammals are more complicated organisms whose mating requires bonding to protect and nurture their young.

Love is friendship that has caught fire. Ann Landers

The sexuality that is characteristic of this part of the brain is expressed in bonded relationships between people who are attracted to each other. Now, it’s not just any-old body that will do, as for the lizard brain, but only one specific body will do. Now it is the bond of attraction that justifies the sexual connection rather than blind instinctual drive. These mammalian bonds can be fragile, as in teenage infatuations, or strong enough to bring people together in lasting relationships, even if the reason ends up being ‘for the sake of the kids.’

Care and protection are fundamental aspects of human mating patterns and not surprisingly also common factors in the breakdown of our bonded sexual relationships. To get the best out of our relationships we have to satisfy our subconscious survival instincts, which are constantly asking the question ‘am I safe?’

However, each individual has their own definition of safety which will depend on their character and life experience. Generally the three areas that influence security are:-

resources, such as money, jobs and houses
connectedness, such as business associations, clubs and a large circle of friends
deeply significant relationships, such as having a soul-mate, or long-term best friend.

These criteria will then have a big subconscious influence on our ability to relax and be freely sexually expressive.

The most powerful antidote to shame is being able to accept that we are PERFECTLY NATURAL and therefore, NOT ALONE in our thoughts and feelings. The whole human race is by definition quite natural but what is normal varies with each distinct group of humans. Understanding our psycho-physiology is a huge step in the direction of self-discovery of what is natural and then being able to choose our own normality.

If you feel you may need help after reading this blog please call me on 07933 709169 or email me here.

(Inspired by a talk given by Ron Levine at SCU)

December 28, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Our Lizard-Brain Sexuality – Part 1

Said to be the biggest sex organ, the brain has various levels of sexual consciousness. Many of us live in a restricted sexual consciousness, afraid of the shadows on the edges of our minds. It takes courage to deliberately bring those shadows into the light. Real integrity must include being aware of and accepting what is in those shadows.

That journey of discovery is more often associated with ancient societies and pagan religions whereas self-denial has been the method of more ‘enlightened’ religions. The quest for authenticity, which implies self-discovery, has lead many to challenge the repression of the more uncomfortable aspects of our animal instincts.

“No one man can, for any considerable time, wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which is the true one.” Nathaniel Hawthorne

The evolutionary path of human beings has resulted in the fact that we have a complex brain. The most primitive part is called the brainstem, which sits right on the top of the main neural highway of the nervous system called the spinal cord. It is considered a relic of our evolutionary origins and has been called the Reptilian Brain. It receives nearly all the sensory information that we live by on its way into the brain for processing.

The brain stem deals with the basic survival of the animal, hunger, safety, reproduction and the regulation of internal organs, called homeostasis.

Reptiles are impulsive creatures that eat their own young, amongst other things and this part of the brain expresses a raw sexuality. It is characterised by indiscriminate desire, often called lust. This drive for instant gratification is entirely self-centred and indiscriminate in that literally any body will do. I think we also experience it in the form of ‘sexual chemistry’ that often transcends opposites, such as a big game hunter and a committed conservationist whose relationship eventually failed when ‘the sexual chemistry died out.’

Does this also explain why devoted husbands can’t stop ‘noticing’ a pretty woman walking by, or nice women lose their composure and blush in close contact with an attractive stranger? Of course, this isn’t restricted to just heterosexual interactions, which makes it even more uncomfortable for many people and most societies.

Because this brain operates at a subconscious level it is less understood and less controllable. The easiest thing then is to push it all into the shadows and hope it stays hidden or goes away. When conscious control is weakened, however, such as with alcohol, drugs or even just opportunity, it can express itself in embarrassing ways.

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” Sigmund Freud

The reptilian brain is responsible for our most bestial sexual behaviour such as rape and abuse. However, I believe it is also the spark that often fizzles out in committed long-term relationships.

Reptilian brains seem to be programmed for variety, danger, and novelty, which are all present as a relationship starts. But, as Esther Perel points out in Mating in Captivity, as relationships mature these often get replaced with familiarity, predictability and routine and the energetic edge in sex gets lost.

Keeping sex alive in a longterm relationship may require connecting again at this level and learning how to rekindle desire. For anyone caught in this trap or interested in learning more then please email me here or call me on 07933 709169.

Read about sex on the next level here.

(Inspired by a talk given by Ron Levine at SCU)