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June 8, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

THE SECRET TO A FULFILLED LIFE

Living in tune with your values is the key to a sense of personal fulfilment. Your values drive your desire for a meaningful life and they are an essential component of your sense of security.

What are Values?

Values are the qualities that we choose to express like kindness and being fun-loving. They may be the image of God that we reflect onto the world in being open-hearted and compassionate. They can be the ideals we aspire to live by and the character we desire to become such as trustworthy and courageous. They define how we behave when we prioritise our family or gaining wealth. Deep within each of us are unconscious drivers that predict our decisions – our personal values. Think of times when you were happiest and most proud of yourself. Try and identify the value you were connecting with at that time. Choose the top five values that shape your decisions. Simply reminding yourself of these will help you have a less compromised and more meaningful life.

Values Motivate us.

A recent study on helping people to exercise more compared two groups. Each was told the importance and the benefits of exercise. For a period of time they were all sent a text reminding them to increase exercise in their daily routine, such as walking around and up and down the stairs. One group had an extra separate text reminding them of their values. At the end of the study this group was found to have been twenty percent more active than the control group.

Values Keep You Safe

Considering the power of values to motivate and direct our decisions it isn’t surprising then that they keep us safe. It is difficult to trust a person whose values you don’t know and whose behaviour you can’t predict. What better way of being sure of your teenage children than by knowing the values that guide their lives? That’s why 71% of parents want the teaching of values priotritised at school.

The conflict between our core values and our behaviour is experienced as conscience. Our need to silence the accusing voice in our heads and have a clear conscience is what helps us find the way back to be reconciled to our values and have peace of mind.

The best way to teach children is to be a living example to them and affirm the values you see them beginning to express. Children are rightly sensitive to what is not true. They are busy choosing, in myriad ways, how they are going to live their own lives. In the end everyone despises a hypocrite.

‘Practice what you preach before you try to teach it to someone else.’

Anon

The Value of Life

I believe that each person has a set of values to express in their own unique way. When they do this they unknowingly help to raise others’ aspirations, challenging those around them to step up themselves. However, too often we avoid doing so by idolising others, taking on their values, imitating their lifestyles and denying our own uniqueness.

‘God has given you one face, and you make yourself another.’
William Shakespeare

If we follow the call we all have upon our lives to be true to ourselves it will lead us into the power to actually live. Living authentically enables us to genuinely enjoy life. It is a move from the externals of imitation and material things to the inner constancy of our own being. People will take note that ‘you’re comfy in your own skin.’ It is not just a man that’s ‘gotta do what a man’s gotta do,’ we all have to. If you would like help in this area then call me on 07933 709169 or email me here.

May 22, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

MORALS – DO THEY EXIST?

No, because morals are the snapshot of our defended egos on the vast landscape of who we really are.

I’ll use the example of water.

I like my tea hot and my tap water cold … but does cold exist? Isn’t water either hot, cold or anywhere in-between? Well that is how we decribe it all the time. And we can even measure it scientifically by taking the temperature. In a roadside coffee stop in the states, the man infront of me ordered his coffee with “Can I get a regular latte, extra expresso, with soy … at 122 degrees?”

I don’t know if I was more astonished by the order or the fact that the waitress didn’t miss a beat, as if it was normal. I suddenly panicked thinking that she was going to expect that much information with my order, “I’ll have a white coffee … please.”

Are the polarities real?

When does hot get hot and start to move towards warm and then cold? The truth is that these are all relative terms that are defined by individuals. So I position myself on the temperature scale and think, oh it’s going to be hot today. Someone from the tropics would say, this isn’t hot, and another from the polar regions might call it boiling and unbearable.

The Continuum.

Even from a scientific point of view temperature is actually molecular activity. It is on a continuum from absolute zero to the unimaginable activity of stars – red giants are said to have a core temperature of a billion degrees.

Moral Relativity.

Could it be similar? Good and bad is all relative, depending on where you stand. If you’re Christian, Moslem, Jewish, Hindu or animist you might think there is a clear line. However, you soon realise that it is still all defined individually when some Christians start killing others and one Moslem sect slaughters another. For many cultures it is the worst crime to premeditatively kill someone. However, it is acceptable for the whole group to kill ‘their neighbours’ in war.

So what is the continuum on which morals stand?

Just as hot and cold are relative positions on the continuum of molecular activity called heat. Similarly, good and bad are relative positions on the continuum called love. If we realise this we can start putting our opinion into context. The most important context is my opinion about myself – am I a good or bad person? The way I answer this question will greatly affect my opinion of others.

“Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy.”

Thomas Merton

The great revelation we need to come to, if we dare, is that we are not ON the continuum (an ego view); we ARE the continuum (the nature of our essence).

March 22, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

Fifty Shades of Grey by EL James

I wouldn’t normally read a fictional story like Fifty Shades of Grey about a forbidden sexuality but it has become a publishing phenomenon. It has captured the attention of a whole cross-section of conservative people, especially women, and not due to literary merit.

Rather clumsy at times, the book develops its own clichés describing the main characters’ sexual chemistry and sexual encounters. It is the story of first love and sexual discovery by an inexperienced young student of literature, Anastasia Steele. Her lover is a highly successful man with an unusual way of finding sexual gratification … through the art of BDSM. There is no doubt that he is talented and capable in the field of Bondage, Domination and Submission, and Sado-Masochism. Christian Grey’s journey to this point has been a tortured one. However, he has reconciled himself to, and will not deny or excuse, his truth. They come from very different backgrounds which inform their expectations. His fascination with her seems to arise from her outspoken expectations of an uncomplicated love. In contrast, his path to success has come through more taboo relationships and more unusual sexual experiences.

They make love for her first time but thereafter it is all ‘hard fucking’. His enjoyment of the power play and possession of another may be a way of avoiding his emotional self. She tentatively submits as she discovers her sexual self in the shadow land of pain and pleasure. The sexual chemistry is what unites them in sensual exploration and passionate sex. He is intuitive and expert whilst she is easily orgasmic and seems capable of even coming to order. The unsettling struggle between them is her need for emotional connection and his need for domination gratified through administering pain.

This tension reaches a climax when she makes a desperate bid for a deeper connection. She submits unconditionally to him only to discover her own boundaries and the visceral anger at their violation. The couple part company in the pain of an unreconcilable love. The mix of love, sex, money, innocence and the dark side of the human psyche are a winning combination. The sad conclusion of the book is that sexual chemistry alone doesn’t guarantee a relationship.

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March 14, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

Our Primate-Brain Sexuality – Part 3

The last part of the brain to receive information is the Neocortex which overlays the mammalian brain, where our human sexuality is defined. The mammalian brain overrides the crude survival instincts of the lizard brain to make bonding and social co-operation possible. In humans the mammalian brain is enlarged and combines with the neocortex. This brings our unique higher functions of abstract thought, speech and problem solving into the behavioural mix.

The sexuality influenced by this area of the brain is characterised by a compassionate consideration of the other, shared plans and a longer-term commitment. Sex becomes the consummation of a considered commitment, often of the ‘’till death do us part’ kind. We can mate for life, if we so choose.

Surely now we can take all the raw lizard-brained sex, combine it with the loving and nurturing mammalian-brained sexuality, and put it intentionally into the context of a long-term commitment. Is this a recipe for human happiness?

Shame

Unfortunately the choice is so often clouded by morality. Is lizard-brained sexuality wrong? Is our mammalian-brained sexuality better? Is the ultimately good and right sexual expression found in being monogamously committed to one person for life? Morality always brings along its dark shadow, shame.

The structure of our brain means that it receives information sequentially. It arrives first in the lizard brain and then via the mammalian brain comes into consciousness in our aspirational brain. Our first thoughts and impulses thus so easily embarrass and make us feel ashamed.

However, shame is more and more being recognised for the control mechanism it is. This has often been unhealthy when used to control individuals for the sake of social conformity. When embraced positively shame can be a very helpful guide to achieving personal integrity. It does this by alerting us when we cross our own boundaries. This awareness only comes when we unhitch it from externally imposed morals. Then we have to consciously reconnect it to our own chosen values.

A good first step is unbiased self-acceptance. Although we are animals, we have the ability to choose the way we live. History is littered with evidence of what psychology knows – if we deny ourselves in unhealthy ways we just store up an inevitable reaction.

‘If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.’ Matthew 3:25 NIV

Living in personal integrity is a path that only the brave can choose. It promises a happiness based on inner contentment and not external circumstances. But it means challenging accepted norms whilst embracing our own unique way of being. However, the compassion needed to achieve this for ourselves can then be extended to others to build a social harmony that embraces diversity. This trend is evidenced by the acceptance of different ways of relating such as through tinder hookups, friends-with-benefits, same-sex unions, swinging and polyamory.

If you are inspired or challenged to explore your sexuality and need advice or guidance then please contact me on 07933 709169 or email me here.

(Inspired by a talk given by Ron Levine at SCU)

February 19, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

BIOCENTRISM by Robert Lanza MD with Bob Berman

The word Biocentrism has been coined by Robert Lanza, the author, to encapsulate a new perspective on the creation of the universe. It is a very readable science book for those who long to try to tie up the loose ends in the story of life, the universe and everything in between. There are only a certain number of people who want to have a big picture framework in which to set things. The danger of not doing so is to go off down a side street and think that it is the main road, and that the corner shop is the main shopping centre of the town.

Biocentrism is the story of Robert Lanza’s own quest to tie up the loose end in scientific thinking. He does this through sharing his own, quite remarkable, and the opportunities he had to work with some particularly brilliant minds.

I found the personal side of the story helped to water down what could have been a very heavy read. It certainly took some concentration to keep up with some of the scientific theories. The description of the experiments also helped to make clear what the whole book was building up to – a new view of how everything came into being that consciousness is the precursor of matter, and therefore that all matter is the expression of what consciousness could conceive.

By turning conventional thinking on its head he makes simple sense out of the unanswered riddles of science … of course all the parameters for life on this planet, which are statistically inexplicable are thus considering it was living consciousness that conceived them. This is based on the logic of if a tree falls in the forest and no-one is there to hear it …it does not make a sound.

I enjoyed the book for opening up the inexplicable experiments of science and for presenting an idea that could finally reconcile science and religion, in the form of consciousness. It seems that so many who have rejected the religion of their parents still talk about Life, Nature, the Universe, etc as an external consciousness. The irony for me is that it may be taking all of humanity, with all our diverse beliefs, coming together like a giant jigsaw to bring this consciousness into better focus. It also requires all sentient beings to be respected as having contributed their part in the formation of this planet as it currently is and that sustainable stability requires the acknowledgement of their right to exist.

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