Dr Graham Stevenson

Intimacy & Relationship Coach in Bristol, London and Online

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December 29, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

Manhood: the bare reality

Manhood: The Bare Reality by Laura Dodsworth is an honest record of a hundred men. Each man has had his pelvic area photographed, showing hands and penis, with the accompanying interview transcript. I found myself fascinated, as the owner of a penis, to read the connections that others made with theirs. Too many of these stories are sad and negative. So many young men where left, as they still are, to find their own way into manhood.

At the same time as reading this book I also started reading Dodsworth’s other book about women and their breasts. I was struck by the difference between the experiences in both books. Men seem to live on the intersection of their penises and their daily life. Their sense of power comes over as more immediate than that of women, whose awareness of power often happened through breastfeeding, as a past event.

It was reassuring that many men where motivated to be pleasure givers rather than just takers.  Many were also very aware of patriarchy, often from having experienced it as children.  They were the ones who had deliberately chosen to be husbands and fathers in a more emotionally connected way.

There was no getting away from the sadness and confusion that many men had about their sexuality and manhood. Many men had suffered trying to resolve this intimate connection between manhood and their particular manhood or penis – a term that has no equivalent in the feminine.

It was good to see brave owners sharing their struggles with penises that weren’t ‘the ideal,’ either in the flesh or in their own opinions of themselves.  I’m glad that there were testimonies of ed to having found life beyond the penis in deep and satisfying relationships where the heart connection was primary. However, the general impression I got was how important the sexual connection is to men in particular. Denial is so easily interpreted as rejection of not just an act but the person.

This is a great book for all to read to get into the mind of men and a part of what makes them tick.  I’m sure it would have helped me in my teens to have read this and I think it could help many young men who are struggling with their identity as men today.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

December 19, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

WHAT TO DO?

Regrets can work away inside you like a worm in the heart. They are poisonous and give rise to festering resentment and bitterness. But they are common and we all have regrets. So what’s the remedy and how can you avoid them?

I think regret can be a really positive emotion because it shows that you actually care. But like many positive emotions, when ignored or repressed they become toxic and can be quite destructive.

It seems that you can have regrets for the things you have done, as well as for the things that you have not done. The most potent regrets are those concerning love, maybe because we have such high expectations of our love lives. Not surprisingly then, regret is the most commonly identified emotion after love.

 

The Message in Regret

The message is simple. It is that you haven’t acted as you should have.   Even where regret arises through association it still requires the same response. For instance, this could be the actions of your family, peer group or even your government in other countries. It still requires you to stand up, at the very least, and be counted, either by saying something or taking some action.

 

The Remedy for Regret

The fear I have of regrets is being left with them, unable to remedy them. Most regrets have a window of opportunity when you can do something and the feeling goes. This has been a strong motivator for me … to go and make up after I’ve fallen out with people, to apologise to old girlfriends for not finishing well, to retrace my footsteps and give money or help people I’ve passed by. I have come to value the untroubled sleep that a conscience clear of regret brings.

The emotion that accuses you when your conscience is troubled is the same as regret. It is the voice that speaks from the darkness of our shame when we have violated our own boundaries or values. It is reminding us that we are not being true to ourselves. It may be in incidents in which we did or did not do anything. It can also be through activities or statements in which we are implicated by association.

The only remedy is to hear the message and act on it – stand up and be counted … be true to yourself. All these emotions aim at the same target. They are all moving us to lead lives of integrity, in line with our values and in defense of our boundaries. Our greatest enemy is fear. We count the cost of what others will think, of being exposed and not being understood.

 

How to Live Free of Regret

The first step is simple … be honest. Owning your regret is being honest … and then telling someone about it is liberating. It is a step in being truthful to yourself and open to another.

Being honest also puts your regrets into perspective. It calls them to account … are they genuine regrets or just fantastical ones that evaporate with the telling? Are they realistic or impossible? Are they genuinely yours, aligned with your values, or have they been projected onto you by others?

The second step is to be determined to be more attentive as well as more obedient to that voice. This means being more aware in the moment so that you can hear the slightest whisper of a rising regret. It means moving towards a life of spontaneity and away from a risk-assessed premeditation of everything. It means learning to balance mind and gut and become equally attuned to the sound of both sources of wisdom.

Here’s a simple test to show how attuned you are. Ask yourself honestly … if you eat what is good for you. See what the voice of your inner wisdom replies. Now that you’ve heard it what are you going to do? Obedience nips regret in the bud and will earn you respect – self-respect to start with and then the respect of others too … and you’ll sleep better too.

 

Sexual Regrets

There is much regret associated with our sexuality … many things we wished we hadn’t done or opportunities we regret having missed.  This seems to be a time when sexual regrets are being aired publicly through social media.  It is a window of opportunity to clear the air that we breathe individually and together as a society.  If you feel this is your time you can do this by taking the steps I have outlined above.  If you ask the question of yourself with absolute honesty you will hear the answer that you need to act on.

For those for whom it is too big a question to ask alone or you need a listening ear and help to guide you through that process then call me on 07933 709169 or contact me here.

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized

December 8, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

There are books that you read that are a huge help in understanding complex and complicated subjects.  The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der kolk is one of those.  The author is well known in trauma circles and he brings an enquiring mind to his subject.  The result is a book that draws on over thirty years of experience and extensive research, covering many modalities of how to help people understand and deal with the trauma in their lives.

The reader is lead along the path of enquiry and experience that Bessel himself took in discovering the brain’s involvement in processing trauma.  Example of patients are given that are profoundly sobering and uplifting as you become aware of the catastrophic consequences of trauma.  Bessel’s willingness to learn from his patients also lead him to explore many different avenues of treatment that broadened his knowledge of the effects of trauma and how it can be resolved.  This leaves the reader with a broad sweep of understanding that puts each miracle cure into the big picture.  Each one is approached with understanding fro the inside as a practitioner and objectively assessed.

Prevention is better than cure and Bessel’s epilogue for prioritising mental health for a sustainable future is so right, especially considering how it has yet to be effectively acted on.  The appendix is also really helpful in outlining the criteria for diagnosing a subtle but powerful kind of trauma, Developmental Trauma Disorder.  This brings the book round in full circle to our foundations for dealing with life and all it throws at us, or experience of childhood.

I found this book helpful in its authority, clarity and scope for putting trauma into context and re-inspiring me to learn more how to help those I come across who are troubled by its unresolved effects.  It also reinforced my belief in the need for a better informed education with the aim that each child enjoy mental, just as much as physical, health.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

June 8, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

THE SECRET TO A FULFILLED LIFE

Living in tune with your values is the key to a sense of personal fulfilment. Your values drive your desire for a meaningful life and they are an essential component of your sense of security.

What are Values?

Values are the qualities that we choose to express like kindness and being fun-loving. They may be the image of God that we reflect onto the world in being open-hearted and compassionate. They can be the ideals we aspire to live by and the character we desire to become such as trustworthy and courageous. They define how we behave when we prioritise our family or gaining wealth. Deep within each of us are unconscious drivers that predict our decisions – our personal values. Think of times when you were happiest and most proud of yourself. Try and identify the value you were connecting with at that time.  Choose the top five values that shape your decisions.  Simply reminding yourself of these will help you have a less compromised and more meaningful life.

Values Motivate us.

A recent study on helping people to exercise more compared two groups. Each was told the importance and the benefits of exercise. For a period of time they were all sent a text reminding them to increase exercise in their daily routine, such as walking around and up and down the stairs. One group had an extra separate text reminding them of their values. At the end of the study this group was found to have been twenty percent more active than the control group.

Values Keep You Safe

Considering the power of values to motivate and direct our decisions it isn’t surprising then that they keep us safe. It is difficult to trust a person whose values you don’t know and whose behaviour you can’t predict. What better way of being sure of your teenage children than by knowing the values that guide their lives? That’s why 71% of parents want the teaching of values priotritised at school.

The conflict between our core values and our behaviour is experienced as conscience. Our need to silence the accusing voice in our heads and have a clear conscience is what helps us find the way back to be reconciled to our values and have peace of mind.

The best way to teach children is to be a living example to them and affirm the values you see them beginning to express. Children are rightly sensitive to what is not true. They are busy choosing, in myriad ways, how they are going to live their own lives. In the end everyone despises a hypocrite.

 

‘Practice what you preach before you try to teach it to someone else.’

Anon

The Value of Life

I believe that each person has a set of values to express in their own unique way. When they do this they unknowingly help to raise others’ aspirations, challenging those around them to step up themselves. However, too often we avoid doing so by idolising others, taking on their values, imitating their lifestyles and denying our own uniqueness.

 

‘God has given you one face, and you make yourself another.’
William Shakespeare

 

If we follow the call we all have upon our lives to be true to ourselves it will lead us into the power to actually live. Living authentically enables us to genuinely enjoy life. It is a move from the externals of imitation and material things to the inner constancy of our own being. People will take note that ‘you’re comfy in your own skin.’ It is not just a man that’s ‘gotta do what a man’s gotta do,’ we all have to.  If you would like help in this area then call me on 07933 709169 or email me here.

Filed Under: Transformation Tagged With: children, fulfilment, security, values

May 22, 2017 By Graham Stevenson

MORALS – DO THEY EXIST?

soldier-military-uniform-american

No, because morals are the snapshot of our defended egos on the vast landscape of who we really are.

I’ll use the example of water.

I like my tea hot and my tap water cold … but does cold exist? Isn’t water either hot, cold or anywhere in-between? Well that is how we decribe it all the time. And we can even measure it scientifically by taking the temperature. In a roadside coffee stop in the states, the man infront of me ordered his coffee with “Can I get a regular latte, extra expresso, with soy … at 122 degrees?”

I don’t know if I was more astonished by the order or the fact that the waitress didn’t miss a beat, as if it was normal. I suddenly panicked thinking that she was going to expect that much information with my order, “I’ll have a white coffee … please.”

Are the polarities real?

When does hot get hot and start to move towards warm and then cold? The truth is that these are all relative terms that are defined by individuals. So I position myself on the temperature scale and think, oh it’s going to be hot today. Someone from the tropics would say, this isn’t hot, and another from the polar regions might call it boiling and unbearable.

The Continuum.

Even from a scientific point of view temperature is actually molecular activity.  It is on a continuum from absolute zero to the unimaginable activity of stars – red giants are said to have a core temperature of a billion degrees.

Moral Relativity.

Could it be similar? Good and bad is all relative, depending on where you stand. If you’re Christian, Moslem, Jewish, Hindu or animist you might think there is a clear line. However, you soon realise that it is still all defined individually when some Christians start killing others and one Moslem sect slaughters another. For many cultures it is the worst crime to premeditatively kill someone. However, it is acceptable for the whole group to kill ‘their neighbours’ in war.

So what is the continuum on which morals stand?

Just as hot and cold are relative positions on the continuum of molecular activity called heat. Similarly, good and bad are relative positions on the continuum called love. If we realise this we can start putting our opinion into context. The most important context is my opinion about myself – am I a good or bad person? The way I answer this question will greatly affect my opinion of others.

“Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy.”

Thomas Merton

The great revelation we need to come to, if we dare, is that we are not ON the continuum (an ego view); we ARE the continuum (the nature of our essence).

Filed Under: Transformation

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