Archives for October 2016

October 10, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

She Comes First by Ian Kerner

Does your sex etiquette ensure that She Comes First ? This book will convince you why this is important. It will take you through the complex anatomy of the clitoris and how various parts add to the arousal and orgasm process. The end result will be the confidence to master the exercises that lead to a rousing performance for anyone you choose to love.

I appreciated the author’s humour and his honesty in sharing his road to becoming a cunning linguist and that he’d found his Stradivarius whom he loved to play and who loved to make music with him … and babies too.

The book certainly deals with a subject that is up and coming and many men could do with becoming cliterate. I would also like to read his sequel about fellatio. One of the nice things about the way the book is written is that one feels as if one is in the hands of an expert, who has not only done the literature review but also experimented extensively and is going to give you the best lesson on the subject. This is a great confidence booster for men.

I appreciated the whole reorientation away from pursuing orgasms to building sexual tension and seeking pleasure with nothing to prove. The anatomical information was excellent as it laid a basis for confidence on a subject of great ignorance amongst, men and mankind in general.

The whole explanation of the female arousal process was good although I was worried that it could easily turn the man into an observer rather than a participant. However, if he is able to relax beyond concentrating on technique then he will be free to connect with his partner.

The last part was the most mind-boggling as it dealt with application and Ian Kerner was very methodical and detailed, with many exercises for various stages of accomplishment. He does stress that each man and each woman is totally different and that couples have to work out their own preferences. Although it did seem too detailed and technique orientated I appreciated that he was giving exercises that took the participants through stimulation of many areas that would not necessarily get any attention.

Overall I thought that it was essential reading for any man who was serious about love and desires to become a member of cliterati, and a good library book for any sex coach practice.

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October 10, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Getting the Sex You Want by Tammy Nelson

If you’re not Getting the Sex You Want then this book could prove a helpful guide. Its premise is that ‘couples have a greater likelihood of staying together, and for longer periods of time, when they improve their sexual communication skills.’

The central concept is of dialogue, which is different to conversation, because one is totally present in the moment to concentrate on what your partner is saying, and not on your response – it also requires no response.

I found the first part of the book tedious as it repeated the anticipated dialogue several times. I realized that this was because the technique is unnaturally stilted and needs to be learnt and used over and over again to be fully acquired. My wife and I tried using it a couple of times but we ended up arguing – we forgot that appreciation is essential to setting a positive, relaxed tone beforehand!

The aim of the dialogue is to condense one’s message into bite sized pieces that are heard and repeated back, without comment. Then the receiver sits in the sender’s intellectual shoes, imagines why they would think like that, and then moves into their emotional shoes and imagines how they would feel.

This is a great way to diffuse emotion out of an issue between couples. By listening until the sender feels heard, then validating and empathizing with the sender, and then vice versa, there is a wide open opportunity for the resident love in a relationship to rise to the surface and resolve the issue.

I did find the exercises to be painfully slow in progressing but then building a sense of safety is a prerequisite for open and honest sharing in any relationship, especially when the subject is sex – another good reason to encourage the habit of appreciating one’s partner.

I preferred the second half of the book, which introduces some more risky elements and explains why we fantasise, how it is often only healthy psychology at work. It was good to see a framework in which to evaluate fantasy – moving from curiosity to fantasy to action, without the necessity to act out.

As we need safety to relax and trust in a relationship we cultivate the things that build companionship but these make sex dull and unexciting. Sharing our deepest thoughts and fantasies often lights the fires again, especially if they are able to be safely acted out.

Understanding the dynamics of people’s erotic and sexual natures is a great help in learning how to arouse one’s partner – submission and domination, being passive or active, receptive or directive and controlled or controlling – are all elements of any truly erotic recipe.

It was well worth reading the book and I would recommend it to anyone wanting to improve their sexual connection or wanting to help couples in their sexual relationships.

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October 10, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

For anyone struggling in their relationship and wondering what the options are then Mating in Captivity is a great book to read. Esther Perel’s scope and authority is very reassuring. Her academic style is offset by her way of using the right words to nail an emotion or scenario succinctly. The book is essentially an indirect critique of the traditional monogamous marriage, which she does using pertinent examples from over 20 years experience of sex therapy.

She reviews our present situation – a dilemma of progress. We have such high expectations of romance, intimacy and sexual fulfillment. Our forebears expected less and seemed content with fewer divorces. However, after so many social and sexual revolutions we so often experience frustration and disappointment and leave our marriages in increasing numbers. Whilst substantiating the gains from these advances, she shows the subtle changes they have caused that lie behind our modern expectations and questions the suitability of the old model of marriage.

She lays out the ingredients of a satisfying relationship – the dynamic between intimacy and attraction, security and variety, unity and separateness, the known and the unknown. Without playing with these interactions there is no fuel for the core energy of a relationship, a vibrant desire and eroticism.

In contrast to the talk approach to therapy she strives to reinstate the primacy of body language over the neocortex, and leads couples to eroticise the dynamics of power, control, dependency and vulnerability in non-politically correct ways. This also helps many women to understand their male partner’s communication style as it is the mother tongue of many men. She also separates sexuality as a ‘parallel narrative’ to intimacy, so that both often needing ‘fixing’ in their own rights.

Her continual emphasis is on the eroticism that is misunderstood and missing from many long-term relationships – ‘erotic intelligence is about creating distance, and then bringing that space to life,’ with the imagination. Using case studies she gives examples of couples who overcame these obstacles – her own parents having been early role models in her life.

She encourages couples to tolerate and respect the need for personal intimacy by allowing each other to ‘cultivate a secret garden’ of physical, emotional and intellectual privacy.

Each chapter concentrates on a specific issue, illuminated by case studies, so that you will come away with a new awareness of the dynamics of mating relationship amongst modern man.
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October 3, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Shame on You!

Shaming others is so cruel because it is such a toxic emotion. Why is it then that when we interact with others’ shame is an almost inevitable result? However, clearing the backdrop of shame that gets so easily triggered can help in moving towards clean and clear interactions with others.

What causes shame?

The primary neurobiological system is the Fight or Flight one that is biased towards interpreting mixed signals negatively – suspicious people survive. The secondary system of meeting our needs causes us to strategise and construct a false self or ego to defend our true self from being wounded in this dangerous world. Both of these are fear based systems and the most powerful motivators of human beings. This is why politicians, leaders, and anyone wanting to influence others so often manipulate them to fear rather than to promise happiness.

Thus our human brains are negatively biased. This means we unconsciously see life in terms of danger and all that could possibly go wrong. This is partly because we are hardwired for survival and partly due to our thinking being overwhelmingly resident in our egocentric left-brain.

A primary aspect of the ego is that it needs to be right. It is said that the whole world is divided into people who are right … this is a reflection of the ego’s vulnerability.

Right and wrong in a highly judgemental environment is an ideal breeding ground for shame. Young consciences become educated into internal critics that police every thought and deed … ‘accusing or else excusing.’ Not unsurprisingly many religions produce people who are burdened with shame despite being ‘saved’, following God’s laws or personally in touch with a loving Creator.

Sadly when people are ashamed of themselves they find it hard to distinguish between the true self and the mask they wear. This is because shame is about how other people see us, so that if you criticise my ego mask you criticise me and if you don’t like my mask you don’t like me.

How widespread is it?

It is thought that shame can be experienced by babies as young as eight months old. Without the ability to differentiate themselves from others a frown or a look of disappointment conveys the message ‘I am bad’ – your feelings are my state of being. Since there are no perfect parents everyone ends up getting infected.

Like anything that hurts we contract around it and hide it because exposure is dangerous and makes us vulnerable to more pain. The perfect cover is another layer of protective ego … and so the layers keep being added.

The more we wear the mask the more it defines us; the more familiar we are with it the more dependent we become on it; and the more our true self becomes the dangerous unknown. Our unreal opinion of ourselves is often then reflected in too low or too high an opinions of others.

Groups of people then produce a collective mindset called culture in which they distinguish themselves from others (Geert Hofstede).

Collectivist cultures which define people by their social connections (‘I am because we are’) are the dominant shame cultures. The fear of being ostracised is what enforces social norms. Individualistic (‘I think therefore I am’) cultures are not free from shame either, even though guilt and the fear of being punished is the tool for enforcing social conformity. In both, the ultimate punishment is equally fatal whether it is being executed for a crime or being murdered to restore honour. To some degree or another shame is found throughout the species.

How can I identify my shame?

I came across a simple exercise that should show you your shame. Take a piece of paper and write on it something that you feel ashamed of, that no-one else knows about you.

When you have finished, fold the paper in two and then again. Imagine yourself giving it to someone else to read and take note of the sensations in your body. If you feel a constriction in your body, dread, fear, or feel sick, sweaty and nervous these are all typical responses to shame.

How can I cure it?

The self that shame exiled into the shadows can only come out when the ego has stopped taking centre stage. This is often due to a crisis when what we suppressed and denied only got stronger and manifested itself in other uncomfortable ways.

Speaking out

Shame is the tap-root of many behaviours such as addiction to cover self-disgust, isolation to avoid others’ judgement, or aggression, anxiety and low self-esteem. When the mask becomes unbearable the wearer has to take it off by speaking out and owning where they are really at. This is like shifting the spotlight from the actor on centre stage to the real star standing in the wings. This often takes a painful crisis to initiate but joy is the result of coming back into our power. Like so many important things in life it is good to be witnessed and share with another.

Self-acceptance

Reconnecting with ourselves means learning self-acceptance, warts and all and without judgement. This may well involve challenging the judgements that authority figures have heaped upon us in the past and that have defined our shame. Self-acceptance can also release us from the insistence of needing to understand the reasons for everything.

Self-compassion

A hard lesson to learn is to have compassion for ourselves and to love ourselves. We have to take our own side against all-comers as we learn to value ourselves without comparison. We are unique and our uniqueness is the ground of our acceptability. It is unearned and unassailable when we own it. Compassion is the healing emotion that is the antidote to toxic shame.

Positive inner witness

The inner critic will need to be replaced with a true witness and this can be helped by practising mindfulness. This is a process of building awareness of our inner states of emotional and physical wellbeing. Speaking out of this awareness imbues our words with the power of testimony that others have to accept.

All that I have suggested above sounds simple and the journey may be possible for some to make alone. Most of us will need to be witnessed and have some guidance as we have not been down this way before.