Archives for October 2016

October 11, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

The Big O by Lou Paget

If you want to know how to have The Big O, and keep them coming, then read this book. Lou Paget writes fluidly holding the attention throughout the book, as she imparts all kinds of information. I resonated with her down-to-earth approach which seeks to make as much information as possible available to the ordinary man and woman. The little snippets from ‘Lou’s Archives’ as well as the ‘Historical and Hysterical Facts’ really help to lighten the subject as well as flesh out one’s sexual knowledge and contextualise it.

It is only towards the end of the book that she pushes to broaden the context of orgasm to avoid adding to performance pressure through the information on Chinese and Indian sex practices. Here again I appreciated the separation of the “woo-woo” language that would enable ordinary time-challenged folks to gain something from the 10,000 year old Eastern traditions. I still found it odd to switch from penises and vaginas to ‘vajras’ and ‘yonis’ just because we were sitting cross-legged … or in the yab yum position!

I got caught up with her quest to ‘inform, educate, and expand the awareness’ of her readership as much as possible on the subject. This is why her books deserve to be widely read, and translated into many languages where cultural taboos and ignorance prevent the majority from enjoying the most simple and inexpensive life-affirming pleasure.

The book is thoroughly researched and is suitable for a whole range of people from personal enquirers to the professional in the field. It doesn’t just supply facts but presents a point of view of open curiosity and debunks myths that have had the power to constrain so many. Whilst reading each chapter one can see the negative writing on our mental walls that has informed our attitudes and cramped our styles in the area of sex. With her informed arguments and tempered aims it feels quite reasonable to allow the walls to be whitewashed by science and rewritten by her own fair hand.

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October 11, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Undressing the American Male by Eva Margolies

Undressing the American Male by Eva Margolies is a book written for women about men who have sexual problems and how they can help them. It is a very readable book because it is written for the laywoman. Eva obviously has years of experience and has worked hard to get into the mind and values of men, which she does with such effect you can see how they so easily opened up to her. I can only hope that women without an immediate need to help a partner would read this book for it’s wisdom on the male perspective.

Sexual problems are extremely isolating for men because of all the complicated implications for their perceived manhood. Those men who do manage to see their treatment through turn out to have gained a more secure manhood through being vulnerable and weak and yet having survived. They often make more considerate partners from the accounts of the women who have helped them through to the other side.

She covers all the major sexual problems, giving many examples not only of clients but also the personality types that often go with the specific problems. She also explains the psychological hurdles that men in particular have to overcome to face up to their issues. I was struck by how similar many of the causal factors were, such as being out of touch with what was going on in the body; a specific orgasm feedback loop linked to specific behaviour; overly aroused by mental images/thoughts that were out of touch with the sexual activity.

The common thread of many exercises was to slow things down, by pausing and breathing, and get back in touch with the body. Many of these exercises would also bring benefits to lovers who hadn’t a ‘problem’ as such, simply by getting them more in touch with themselves and more in tune with each other.

I would recommend this book to promote a knowledgeable and empathic point of view on menkind. For those whose male partners are reluctant to seek help this is a good read as it sets out what can be done to help, as well as the kind of symptoms that indicate the need for professional help.

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October 11, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Reclaiming Goddess Sexuality by Linda Savage

Reclaiming Goddess Sexuality is a book that challenges the norm on the Divine as well as sexuality. Linda Savage promotes a new way of looking at sexuality to include a spiritual and more broadly sensual dimension ie women’s contribution to sexuality.

She looks back into the past when female sexuality was revered with the vagina (yoni) as the portal into life on earth for humans. Women were more elevated in society due to this and were respected as having a unique connection to the Life Force in the Universe. They were equal and complimentary players in the spirituality of early societies. She uses fiction to compare the life of a girl in one of these early societies in Crete, to that of a typical girl of today in the west. Although I can see what she was trying to put across and completely empathise with her view of a new society, I found the stories too simplistic.

However I did like the division of life into the three blood ceremonies of First Blood, Birth and Menopause that correspond with the Maiden, Mother and Crone phase of a woman’s life. I was challenged by the idea of life culminating in a healing role to all those who have yet to tread the road thus far. Could eldership possibly include dispensing a lifetime’s wisdom and sexual healing and instruction to those trying to find their way?

I found that her exercises and explanations for women wanting to reclaim lost desire in patriarchal defined relationships to be very useful. At the outset I doubted that she could dedicate a whole book to the topic but was delighted to find that she held my attention. She explains in detail the road back for a woman to discover her sexuality and fully enjoy her capacity for pleasure. She convincingly presents the idea of mankind finding healing through women fulfilling their potential for pleasure, which would necessitate them being more accepted and assertive. The healing of mankind would also effect a healing of the planet.

I think that this book makes a major contribution to the underlying need for women to give themselves permission to discover themselves and their sexual potential and from that point of view is a worthwhile read.

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October 11, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Sex is the Least of It by Dr Tova Feder

Would you have guessed that Sex is the Least of It when considering sexual surrogacy work? This book is a long overdue appreciation of the work of sexual partner therapy (SPT). Dr Tova Feder interviews many surrogates, both working and retired (including some well-known names), as well as several therapists who work or have worked with surrogates. The final interviews are with those who train surrogates concluding with a review of research papers pertaining to the efficacy of surrogacy work. The whole book is very personal from the point of view of hearing what the surrogates themselves feel and experience, alongside clients’ stories of successful outcomes. It’s impact is widened by also giving a good feel for the atmosphere within which the profession operates both for therapists and surrogates.

The rationale for using surrogates is compelling both from the sexual experience side, which is only about 10% of the work (hence the title of the book). The bulk of the work is about discovering one’s sexuality through primarily sensual experience. The skills and confidence to become a good lover are taught through building confidence in social skills such as dating and communicating and tackling problem areas such as body image.

Sadly most of the people interviewed in the book were under the impression that the profession was in decline, with less and less surrogates being trained, whereas they perceived the need for the work was on the increase.

I enjoyed the whole professional and ethical rationale of the profession, but I was frustrated by what I perceived as a lack of flexibility in viewing a future for this kind of work. I suspect it is for precisely these reasons, ie the ethics and professionalism, that restricts the framework for surrogacy from being adapted. The sad thing is that it started in pathology and is bound by it’s accountability to the ethics of a pathological profession – sex therapy. This is also how it finds whatever acceptability it has with the general public – because it deals with rehabilitation.

Perhaps a more sex positive educational context could open up new areas of application. Certainly freeing it from the restraints of therapeutic oversight would also reduce the costs considerably and make the programs more adaptable. A preventative use of surrogacy would also catch the falling clients whose concerns develop over the years into problems that drive them to seek out the services of a sex therapist. In the end, as Dr Ronit Aloni pointed out, in the light of the evidence, the ultimately ethical thing to do is to provide the surrogate service … because it works.

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October 10, 2016 By Graham Stevenson

Women Who Love Sex by Gina Ogden

What is it that Women Who Love Sex really like about it? This book tackles this centuries old issue for the benefit of both women and men. You might think the answers are going to come in a male-centred view of sex and at first glance Gina Ogden’s title might give you hope. However, she aims at something totally different as she tries to present a female definition of sex through the experiences of ‘easily orgasmic’ women that expands the subject.

Her interviewees express concepts that she uses to progressively formulate an alternative view of sex – much broader and more holistic than the male performance view and more scientifically challenging to measure.

Relationship is the first important ingredient with really expressively satisfying sex for a woman being put into the context of trust, safety and mutual respect … in contrast to attempting to tuning in the dials in the hope of getting the right combination to open her up!

The male perception is that easily orgasmic women would be looking for sex all the time, like men. But the interviewees reveal a wider definition of sex and being easily orgasmic is just a result of having come to terms with an uncompromisingly sensual way of living. This doesn’t diminish the intellectual and make them slaves to their bodily appetites but allows the sexual life force to pervade much of what they do so that they are creatively fulfilled, physically satisfied and personally empowered and independent.

The common challenge, which many faced, was to love themselves first. To get a good view of themselves they found they needed to cast off the societal or familial definition of how a woman should be and how she should behave. It seems that for many of the women suffering was a common pathway to coming face to face with their true selves. Many of these women had relentlessly held onto a deep-seated need for connection and the nurturance of a loving relationship in defiance to historical precedents and suffered the rejection of peer groups and families. They needed to turn the negative energy of anger and frustration that fueled this rebellion into a positive force to find peace in life and so self-acceptance was the first step.

In contrast to the male view of sex which is so physical and performance based, the wider and softer female view looks at pleasure in all areas, and even displaces orgasm from physical stimulation for some, with ecstasy as a higher plane of consciousness that can be maintained for hours and not just alongside the spasms of ejaculation as in the male orgasm.

These women were marvelous and awe-inspiring by being both vulnerable and at the same time powerful in their own private ways. They had discovered inner peace through self-acceptance and re-orientated their sexual procreative energies into a broadly generative approach to life. This essentially selfless power is what could challenge a world run on selfish principles by egotistical men that causes so much harm in people’s lives. It is time for the healing and nurturing power of this life force to be felt more fully in a world where material and technological priorities dominate.

I think many men would be profoundly relieved if this approach to sex, and ultimately to life, found wide acceptance. It would eliminate the competitive bravado that masks their vulnerability and allow them to get in touch with their own deep needs for love and fulfilment.

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